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NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
 WHO IS IN CHARGE? IT SOUNDS LIKE A FAIRLY SIMPLE QUESTION, DOESN'T IT? It's one that I've asked many times in family therapy sessions over the years, and it can tell me a lot about how a family operates. The question is more effective of course, when there are kids and parents present together. The answer that works best for me (and of course for the family) is when the kids tell me loud and clear that mum and dad are in charge. But there are variations on this, and that's to be expected, and is one of the reasons why I have a job. One variation is when the ten year old girl answers by pointing nervously at her sullen fifteen year old brother, who sneers at her, but says nothing, while the parents look on, then giggle nervously with some embarrassment because what she has said is true - he is in charge, because he seems to have the most power in the family. Equally concerning is when I ask the question and the overly active six year old boy shoots his hand up and proudly proclaims that "I am!," while the accompanying worn out mum nods weakly in agreement. What it all boils down to (and this is nothing new - I've been banging on about this on these pages on and off for a few years now), is that kids (and indeed whole families) function better when they know who is charge, or there is a clear hierarchy. And ideally, this hierarchy needs to be headed up by those in the family who have the most life experience, and the most wisdom. This of course is usually the same person (or people) who pays the internet bill: the parent/s. Kids of all ages - but especially teens - function better when they know who is in charge, and who they need to answer to. That does not mean that they will quietly comply at all times with the requests and directives of whoever is in charge - but they will feel more contained - safer even - when they know what the rules are and what is expected of them. A simple way to think about it is to remember that it's all about structure: we all (not just kids) function better, when we know what is expected of us. Like it or not, our entire lives tend to be largely shaped by structure in its varying shapes and sizes, meaning that in most parts of our day to day lives, we know what to do and we know what is expected of us. Even though the angry teen or the tantrumming six year old can seem like they enjoy being in charge, they actually don't. At some level, they know that they don't yet have the capacity to run the show. They function better, they feel better, and they relate better, when there are one or two sane and sensible adults at the helm, who can provide sound, balanced and respectful parenting. So, as a parent, if it feels like everyone else but you is running the show at your house, jump over here to this page at Empowering Parents for some detailed and practical ideas for restoring your family's hierarchy to its healthiest position. Talk soon.   Apologies from me right from the beginning. When I suggest you stay conscious over Christmas and the holidays, I'm not implying you are about to go on some binge-drinking marathon, where the outcome is that you wind up unconscious. (But hey, if that's your plan....) I was thinking instead about what it takes to get through the holidays, come out the other end, still reasonably sane, and having had a good time. In our corner of the world - as is the case in many western countries - Christmas and/or the holiday season is about getting together for at least some of the time with extended family, relaxing and hanging out in ways that we mostly do not have the time to do during the course of the year. And in the mix, there's also a reasonable amount of duty and tradition that drives us to do this. Mostly this is a fun and relaxing time of the year. After all, these are our people, this is our tribe. But the flip side of this, is that even though we do want to be with them, it does not always mean things are going to run smoothly. They can be annoying/feisty/argumentative people. Chances are, we can probably be some of these things ourselves. Old patterns and ways of relating from years gone by can re-surface, and hook us right back in. This is especially so when families get together over extended periods of time, such as at Christmas, but have limited contact in between times, meaning relationships can kind of hang in suspension from year to year, neither getting worse, but not getting any better, as no-one is around each other in a "real" way. And add some alcohol to the formula, to fire things up further, if you must. Mostly though, you are probably going to enjoy yourself - whether it's just going to be Christmas day, or if you are getting together for longer. But if you suspect, from what you've seen in years gone by, and what you know of your family, that you may not have such a flash time, that it will be stressful, and you are more likely going along out of duty, it might be more manageable for you, if you decide in advance, to go into it (or not), by making the decision consciously. What does this mean? A key thing here is to be conscious and committed about what you are actually planning to do. In other words, make some thoughtful and conscious decisions in advance as to what you want to have happen for yourself. For instance if you've been invited to have Christmas lunch with extended family, whom you know will wind up loudly arguing after two glasses of wine - make a firm and conscious decision before you go, along the lines of: "yes, I'm going to go, because I've chosen to, and I plan to go all out to enjoy myself, no matter what. This might mean drinking with them, or even arguing with them, as I know what they are like. But my plan is to enjoy myself. My bottom line is that I will not arrive there, then regret being there, resent them, then come home afterwards and complain about them to whoever will listen." Or make an equally conscious decision not to go - again having weighed up what is best for yourself. And should you decide to do the family thing - it's important that you are a Conscious Grown Up. A fancy way of saying don't revert to old patterns, don't behave in the age-old way that family members might expect you to behave, whenever you all get together. Examples of common family roles that can dog us for life, are being the in-charge/super responsible older sibling, or the incompetent baby of the family who can do nothing right in the eyes of older siblings. Christmas holidays (and life, for that matter) work better for us when we make informed and conscious choices for ourselves, rather than getting getting continually caught up in doing "the right thing", and then feeling conflicted and generally lousy, both during the event, and then for weeks or even months afterwards. When we consciously and thoughtfully decide what is best for us at a personal level, we are demonstrating to the world (but to ourselves first and foremost) that we are in charge of our lives. So - have a great Christmas, or whatever else you consciously decide to do! Talk soon.   This is so true - we are all apparently very busy these days. It's seems like its' almost come to the point where if by chance you are not busy, it would be embarrassing to say so, that your life is a bit inadequate, if you are not frantic. That we are somehow a better and more worthwhile human being if we are flat-out. I like what Junot Diaz says - he's a writer who I've only recently discovered. How could you not slow down, if you were to "listen" to the art. Art can only be savoured if it's appreciated slowly - anyway, that's what I'm imagining he's meaning here. That got me thinking about other things that might be better appreciated by just taking our time. There's the obvious things like being amongst nature, regardless of where or what it is. Or eating, or reading a book. But not being on the internet - which has been one of the main culprits in speeding us all up and leaving us all with the attention spans of goldfish... I was thinking too, how as parents, we sometimes need to appreciate kids more slowly.... For instance in the busy-ness of parents own lives, I'm hearing from increasing numbers of kids (especially adolescents) that parents are not available to them. Even if they are physically present, they are often busy, or distracted, or locked into their screens. A piece of research I read supports this, claiming that approximately 70% of the verbal exchanges between parents and adolescents are instructional in nature - ie. many parents are distracted, or too busy to just kick back and talk, or do some slow stuff with their kids. We increasingly connect things like hard work and frenetic activity in general as being desirable human behaviours. And maybe they are - but with our important relationships, the reverse is true. These deserve the slowing down that enables us to focus on them and value them for what they are really worth. Talk soon.... 
July was crazy - a roller coaster of a month in this neck of the woods - so I'm pleased to be well into August. The big highlight of late July was the visit of Dr Dan Papero from the Bowen Centre in Washington DC. Organising (in conjunction with a super efficient colleague) all the things necessary for hosting a workshop was quite full-on, though certainly worth it in the end. But phew.... What I liked best about Dan's visit was the chance to re-focus on some key ideas that Bowen was big on - in fact was ahead of his time with. His ideas permeate many models and types of therapy of the field I work in - even though these ideas are not always readily acknowledged. Bowen was a great theorist - his research was solid, and he developed some sound ideas to help understand and explain human behaviour. Probably his most significant theory was the eight interlocking concepts - of which the biggest one was differentiation. It sounds complex, and maybe it is - but what's perhaps more relevant is how or where it fits in our lives and relationships. Since then, I've been focusing on this more during appointments with my clients. You might have some ideas about what differentiation means - I'm not going to go into it too much right now. But what I will mention is how it (or the lack thereof) impacts on relationships - whether these are couple relationships or otherwise. So what to look out for - I mentioned a few words about this over on Facebook a couple of posts ago - is the importance of not being too emotional. And yes, I know that likely sounds a weird thing for a therapist to say - as surely relationships are all about being connected and emotionally in sync with each other. But here's the thing - if our own emotions are not always well managed (because they are easily influenced by the words or actions of others), then we are vulnerable. And so it follows, that if we are more differentiated - we will have a stronger sense of self, which is not influenced by what others may or may not want of me, and that we are in charge of our own thinking. Which in turn means that we'll be less emotionally vulnerable, and can be more responsible for our own thoughts and actions. The folks at the Bowen Centre can offer a clearer explanation as follows: "People with a poorly differentiated "self" depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others, that either they quickly adjust what they think, say and do, to please others....." And "a person with a well differentiated self recognises her/his realistic dependence on others, but can stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism and rejection, to distinguish thinking rooted in a careful assessment of the facts, from thinking that is clouded by emotionality." This makes sense - and when we are more focused on these ideas, our important relationships (and other parts of our lives) will run much more smoothly, and our personal stress levels go down. Talk soon... 
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"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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