Why you need to be a Fly On The Wall.

Call them what we will - arguments, fights, disagreements, conflicts. They happen in most families, they happen for most couples. No-one likes them very much, yet we all seem to do it. 

I know I'm often banging on about conflict in relationships, I've written about it here quite a few times over the years. And I do want to mention it again, but this time from a slightly different perspective. 

I'm not talking today about stopping the conflict or the argument - though if you can do that, or at least do it better, that's excellent, (you can now go and have a coffee, because you don't need to read beyond this point).  What I was thinking about instead was how to look out for the pattern the argument usually follows. In other words, not necessarily trying to STOP the argument, but instead observing HOW the argument unfolds. To be your own fly on the wall - so that you can eventually begin to understand your own pattern, and as a result of this, eventually take charge of it and 'do' conflict better. Because observing how we behave in a certain situation actually gives us some personal power over that behaviour. 

Most family members and most couples tend to do at least two things when it comes to arguing. One is that they will argue (especially couples) over relatively minor things. Couples tell me this time and again: "when it comes to the big things, we don't have a problem." The second thing, is that there is usually a pattern to those arguments - regardless of what the current conflict is about, there's a big chance that each person will slot into the same old dance. 

A typical pattern of conflict can look something like this:  the first person raises something and maybe there is a tone of frustration already present. The second person senses the irritation, does not respond well, and emotionally (or physically) turns away. The first person feels more irritated (or ignored) and becomes louder/more irritated. The second person retreats further or switches off. The first person may then also close down. As a result, they can both wind up feeling hurt, or not understood, or rejected. 
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Regardless of what the pattern looks like, it's pretty common to start drawing on some of these very common (and unhelpful) behaviours: 1) becoming loud or angry, or overly emotional, 2) closing down, while emotionally and/or physically turning away; 3) not listening to the other's point of view, (because you feel yours is the only one that really matters right now); 4) using name-calling or yelling or sarcasm; 5) using absolute terms like "You never...." or "You always....." and 6) bringing up old issues that have nothing to do with this issue. 

So an important first step in 'doing' conflict better, is being able to step outside of it, and to actually observe how you do this, as it's inevitably a dance that you both play a part in. Once you see that there is a pattern (how does it start off, who does/says what, does it escalate, then what, how is the issue resolved, etc), a natural next step  is to acknowledge is that it doesn't work, and decide what you are going to do differently. And it's great when both parties can  see all this, and will then want to address it together. But remember too, that you can't change the other person (only they can do that), but you can certainly change your part in at all....

As you can see in John Gottman's pic below, managing conflict is an important step in building a Sound Relationship House. And identifying conflict patterns is vital if conflict is to be then managed well. 

Feel free to contact me if you need any help in better managing the conflict in your relationship.

Talk soon...

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