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Relationships- and why it's time to step up.

30/1/2012

In times of wider stress in the community, relationships are so important. And I'm meaning all of those relationships that feature in our lives. They provide so many important resources that can help people's individual resilience.

For today, I'm focusing in on couple relationships. A good relationship is literally our Port in the Storm. Yet here in Christchurch New Zealand, recent reports indicate we are doing some strange things in our couple relationships. For instance, we have the highest rates of infidelity in the country right now. Wow- at a time when the city is in some sort of post-chaotic phase, and uncertainty about so many things is the only thing that is certain, people are making their lives even more fraught, and more unstable than they need to be, by having affairs. Go figure....

And if you are thinking about having a clandestine affair, but can't quite be bothered getting off the couch to find someone to be doing the sneaking around with, there has been a bunch of new websites coming on line, to help folks with the very purpose. And no, I won't be posting links to those sites here today.

Call me old fashioned, but I believe that lives are much less chaotic, much more satisfying, if people actually work on the relationships that they are already in. Because if a relationship is developing problems, and one of the partners is (not) addressing this by having an affair, then sure as eggs, they may finish their current relationship, but there will be issues in their next relationship. So it makes sense to roll the sleeves up, take a deep breath and do the work to fix the current relationship. And yes, they do all require work- whether you have been together four days or forty years.

I've mentioned here before, some of the things we need to stay focused on, to keep relationships healthy, alive, and rewarding. And I know too, in reality that relationships in all their complexity, cannot always be turned around with a few simple bullet points in a blog posting. If your relationship is really in trouble, you owe it to yourself and your partner to do something about it. Contact me here, if you have any queries about how to kick that process off.

In the meantime however, there are some things that can and and will help your relationship- and even though relationships can be complex beasts, they are usually quite fixable- and what it takes to fix them is not rocket science. So keep in mind that what follows are just a few of the things that are important in healthy and rewarding relationships. You will have seen some of these before- I've written about them in earlier posts, plus theses and similar ideas are present in varying forms on a squillion other websites, and in thousand of books. Might just mean they are important!

Relationships take time. It took time to build the relationship in the early days of the couple first meeting- yet it's puzzling that people will think that the longer a relationship progresses, the less time it needs. From day one- until the very end (for whatever reason that may be), it needs time, energy and input. People lose sight of the importance of the relationship, it slips further and further down the priority list, even though it is the foundation-stone for so many other parts of the couple's lives: if the relationship hadn't been there to begin with, the kids probably would have been born, there would be no mortgage, careers would be less significant, etc etc. So give it the time and centrality it deserves, if you value all those other things that sprang from it.
Notice what goes well in the relationship and mention it. We need to do this with our kids, our parents, our workmates, etc. In fact we probably need to do this in all the relationships that we value. Human nature being what it is, we are generally quick to criticise, slower to compliment. There are two simple, yet important reasons for mentioning when your partner has done something well: (1) they are then likely to do more of it- and (2) when there is an increase in positive comments between the partners, it makes the relationship more resilient (that word again) to those periods of conflict. Which will happen because.....
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. It's not a bad thing at all- it demonstrates that the people involved in the conflict have differing views of the world, & this is evidence of them each being unique individuals, and it therefore adds to the relationship. However conflict becomes problematic when couples do not handle it well. Not handling it well includes things like allowing it to escalate into something big and vicious; using sarcasm; bringing up old issues that may have nothing to do with the current conflict; not being able to let things go; not being able to apologise; not being able to accept that you may actually be wrong. Remember too, that couples can have different tolerances for the expression of conflict: some partners will be OK with the yelling, others feel overwhelmed if voices are raised. Neither is right or wrong, just different- the difference in styles is often connected with what was modelled for us in our families of origin. Therefore,
Know what your key differences are and work out how you will deal with these. These might be around the Old Regulars such as religion and politics (though couples often become aligned in these areas over time), or other areas such as money, frequency of sex, how to parent kids etc. It's important to reach middle ground with these, so that neither partner feels their own views have been negated. It's really important too, to again reflect on where individual views have come from. For instance, do you wind up parenting this way, mainly because this is the approach your parents used with you....
Work out how much time the relationship needs. It's really important that partners work out a balance around this. Clearly, avoiding any couple time at all is not going to work and will spell doom for the relationship. Similarly, relationships where the couple are living in each other's pockets 24/7 is probably not going be that healthy either... Whilst shared friendships and interests are important, so is maintaining a sense of self, by pursuing things that are just theirs alone- there are two important reasons for this. Firstly, it means they retain a sense of who they are as individuals, and secondly, they have something fresh that they can bring back and talk about with their partner....

Of course, there are going to be a whole bunch of other factors, but these are some that are especially important.

If you are OK with lists and bullet points (yep, I'm still annoyed by them- yep, I know I've used them yet again....) take a look at some ideas from Michele Weiner-Davis. I've always enjoyed her straight-forward common sense approach and these relationship resolutions are excellent.

And if you are a man who has just come out of a relationship- you need to look at this.

Talk soon!

''And this year's award for Resilience goes to....''

2/1/2012

RESILIENCE - THE STUFF THAT MAKES YOU A REAL SURVIVOR.....

Happy New Year, welcome to 2012.... I hope your year is off to a good start. Thanks for coming back here for another visit, and for keeping the readership numbers on this newsletter humming along. The numbers continue to increase each month, and they have been quite high over the holiday period, which I guess is the time we are more likely to relax and read things. The holiday period too, is the time that family stress levels can increase, due to a whole range of factors.

Here in Christchurch New Zealand, stress levels for many people have increased for another reason over the holiday period, namely the return of some quite nasty earthquakes, just when we were all beginning to relax and enjoy their apparent departure. The experts are now telling us that we can expect earthquakes to come and go for the next 3-4 years. (Bruce groans loudly.....). With the latest round of quakes, the true gems of humanity, (who no doubt have high levels of resilience- an important topic for today) have yet again been out and about helping folks. I wrote about them once before.

An important task for us all during the year ahead will be to reflect on how we will handle our own stress levels, which are in turn likely to be influenced for many of us here, by the earthquake factor. So I'm talking today about resilience, not only in the face of earthquakes, but all the other stressful events that life on this planet can throw at us. Part of being a living breathing human being, is remembering that with life, comes stress. Not just human-relationship type stress, but from time to time, stress comes from disasters of epic proportions. I for one, had gotten in to a long-standing and misguided belief that hard things dished out by Mother Earth (eg., fires, floods and other disasters) really only happen in other countries, and not in our cosy little corner of the world. Boy oh boy- how naive.

Our individual ability to deal with such external stress factors are in turn shaped by our own levels of resilience. Some of us are likely to be more resilient than others, because pure and simply, that's the way we have been built, (though there is of course much more to individual resilience than pure biology). However, there are always things we can do, that will enhance our resilience, which in turn will equip us better to deal with the stressful stuff of life, be that earthquakes or whatever else that life launches in our direction.

Some things to think about which will enhance resilience levels include the following:

Remember that it is our thinking about the stressful stuff in life that is crucial. This is so important- it is not the even itself, but what we actually think about the event. (Useful hint: will we be overwhelmed by the event, or will we remind ourselves that we can cope, that we have coped with challenging things before, and have survived them).
In the face of hard situations, do we model calmness and confidence for others (and therefore ourselves) around us, or do they instead see us as being panicky and overwhelmed?
If you are feeling overwhelmed yourself, do you feel better if you are in the company of negative and agitated people, or are you better in the company of calm people who are practical and level-headed?
As I've stated before, even if we cannot always genuinely feel calm or confident, pretending to feel this can actually be a very important first step.
Will you be resilient, or will you be resistant? Knowing that crises and difficult times are usually associated with change, can we accept change, and know that it is part of life, or do we find any change difficult? (Useful hint: remember that you have negotiated your way through much change in your life already....)
If the stressful event is occurring over an extended period of time, can you focus on other things, so that the stressful event does not become the total center of your being? (Useful hint: making yourself do other things, especially pleasurable things, will be important, even if to start with, it all feels a bit forced and shallow).
Know who your supports are. We are naturally more resilient when we can talk with others about what we are experiencing. This helps us to make sense of situations, to process and move forward. (Useful hint: if you notice the people you are talking to are getting too immersed in the conversation, that their own outlook is quite bleak and negative and you are feeling worse as a result, then it's time to be selective about who you talk to).
Weigh up whether you are proactive or reactive in the way you conduct your life. Admittedly it's hard to take charge of some events that can seem really huge. But it's still always important to be thinking about those day to day situations and how to stay in the driver's seat of our own lives. With the smaller events of life, are you in charge of your life and charting the direction you want to be moving in, or are you instead just using all your energy to survive whatever difficult stuff next comes along?

Get an understanding of your own resilience levels by doing this quick quizz over at the psychology.com site.

Talk soon....

This is not an emergency service. Information on these pages is not meant to take the place of input from a registered mental health professional in your community.
For urgent or crisis mental health care in the Christchurch, New Zealand region, please call Freephone 0800-920-092 (24 hours x 7 days).
Family Therapy Christchurch | Couples Therapy Christchurch | Couple Counselling | Relationship Counselling | Family Counselling Christchurch

Relationships- and why it's time to step up.

''And this year's award for Resilience goes to....''

"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."

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