Relationships- and why it's time to step up.

In times of wider stress in the community, relationships are so important. And I'm meaning all of those relationships that feature in our lives. They provide so many important resources that can help people's individual resilience.  

For today, I'm focusing in on couple relationships. A good relationship is literally our Port in the Storm. Yet here in Christchurch New Zealand, recent reports indicate we are doing some strange things in our couple relationships. For instance, we have the highest rates of infidelity in the country right now. Wow- at a time when  the city is in some sort of post-chaotic phase, and uncertainty about so many things is the only thing that is certain, people are making their lives even more fraught, and more unstable than they need to be, by having affairs. Go figure.... 

And if you are thinking about having a clandestine affair, but can't quite be bothered getting off the couch to find someone to be doing the sneaking around with, there has been a bunch of new websites coming on line, to help folks with the very purpose. And no, I won't be posting links to those sites here today. 

Call me old fashioned, but I believe that lives are much less chaotic, much more satisfying, if people actually work on the relationships that they are already in. Because if a relationship is developing problems, and one of the partners is (not) addressing this by having an affair, then sure as eggs, they may finish their current relationship, but there will be issues in their next relationship. So it makes sense to roll the sleeves up, take a deep breath and do the work to fix the current relationship. And yes, they do all require work- whether you have been together four days or forty years. 

I've mentioned here before, some of the things we need to stay focused on, to keep relationships healthy, alive, and rewarding. And I know too,  in reality that relationships in all their complexity, cannot always be turned around with a few simple bullet points in a blog posting. If your relationship is really in trouble, you owe it to yourself and your partner to do something about it. Contact me here, if you have any queries about how to kick that process off.

In the meantime however, there are some things that can and and will help your relationship- and even though relationships can be complex beasts, they are usually quite fixable- and what it takes to fix them is not rocket science. So keep in mind that what follows are just a few of the things that are important in healthy and rewarding relationships. You will have seen some of these before- I've written about them in earlier posts, plus theses and similar ideas are present in varying forms on a squillion other websites, and in thousand of books. Might just mean they are important!

• Relationships take time. It took time to build the relationship in the early days of the couple first meeting- yet it's puzzling that people will think that the longer a relationship progresses, the less time it needs. From day one- until the very end (for whatever reason that may be), it needs time, energy and input. People lose sight of the importance of the relationship, it slips further and further down the priority list, even though it is the foundation-stone for so many other parts of the couple's lives: if the relationship hadn't been there to begin with, the kids probably would have been born, there would be no mortgage, careers would be less significant, etc etc. So give it the time and centrality it deserves, if you value all those other things that sprang from it.
• Notice what goes well in the relationship and mention it. We need to do this with our kids, our parents, our workmates, etc. In fact we probably need to do this in all the relationships that we value. Human nature being what it is, we are generally quick to criticise, slower to compliment. There are two simple, yet important reasons for mentioning when your partner has done something well: (1) they are then likely to do more of it- and (2) when there is an increase in positive comments between the partners, it makes the relationship more resilient (that word again) to those periods of conflict. Which will happen because.....
• Conflict is inevitable in relationships. It's not a bad thing at all-  it demonstrates that the people involved in the conflict have differing views of the world, & this is evidence of them each being unique individuals, and it therefore adds to the relationship. However conflict becomes problematic when couples do not handle it well. Not handling it well includes things like allowing it to escalate into something big and vicious; using sarcasm; bringing up old issues that may have nothing to do with the current conflict; not being able to let things go; not being able to apologise; not being able to accept that you may actually be wrong. Remember too, that couples can have different tolerances for the expression of  conflict: some partners will be OK with the yelling, others feel overwhelmed if voices are raised. Neither is right or wrong, just different- the difference in styles is often connected with what was modelled for us in our families of origin. Therefore,
• Know what your key differences are and work out how you will deal with these. These might be around the Old Regulars such as religion and politics (though couples often become aligned in these areas over time), or other areas such as money, frequency of sex, how to parent kids etc. It's important to reach middle ground with these, so that neither partner feels their own views have been negated. It's really important too, to again reflect on where individual views have come from. For instance, do you wind up parenting this way, mainly because this is the approach your parents used with you....
• Work out how much time the relationship needs. It's really important that partners work out a balance around this. Clearly, avoiding any couple time at all is not going to work and will spell doom for the relationship. Similarly, relationships where the couple are living in each other's pockets 24/7 is probably not going be that healthy either... Whilst shared friendships and interests are important, so is maintaining a sense of self, by pursuing things that are just theirs alone- there are two important reasons for this. Firstly, it means they retain a sense of who they are as individuals, and secondly, they have something fresh that they can bring back and talk about with their partner....

Of course, there are going to be a whole bunch of other factors, but these are some that are especially important. 

If you are OK with lists and bullet points (yep, I'm still annoyed by them- yep, I know I've used them yet again....) take a look  at some ideas from Michele Weiner-Davis.  I've always enjoyed her straight-forward common sense approach and these relationship resolutions are excellent. 

And if you are a man who has just come out of a relationship- you need to look at this.

Talk soon!