Don't try and fix it...

Not everything needs to be fixed.  As a therapist, I like to help people 'fix'  the parts of their lives that are not working for them - so this is a good reminder for me and for all of us.  Sometimes though, fixing things,  such as coming up with a practical solution, is not what is needed. What I'm meaning is something a little different to fixing.  Let me explain. 

Relationships work better, when there is good emotional connection between those who are involved. All relationships, for couples, and for families, go better when people know that someone 'gets them' emotionally. Not only does the relationship work better for those involved,  but people also feel better within themselves, individually.  

Sometimes though, when we see a strong  display of upset emotion in someone, we will go straight into wanting to help practically, we will try and fix things. We start coming up with practical solutions, some fixing, as to what they or we could do, to make it all better. Which is kind of understandable when someone we love is upset - we want to help, we don't like to see them distressed. But one of the best things we can do,  to make things better for them, is to just be there, be attuned to their emotion, show some empathy.  Unless the other person is asking for practical solutions, being there for them, grounding them is way more powerful. And for couple or family relationships, the connection is actually deepened in those moments, between those involved.

Many people can struggle with providing this kind of response,  especially if they don't 'do' emotions very well. Men are more likely to fit into this category,  not always comfortable with showing empathy, more likely to want to fix things, even if they haven't been asked to.  And I'm not saying that  a practical answer doesn't have its place - sometimes it does.  But letting someone know, especially in moments of sadness or distress or fear,  that you are there for them, that you have their back,  can be so grounding and so settling.  Much more effective, much more powerful than a practical fix. 

Talk soon....

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