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NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
 We can all get a bit obsessed with the need to be right - although for some people, it can sit more strongly. And for even others, it can be quite extreme - they are the ones who can sound quite oppositional to everyone and everything, in their continual need to be right.
These folks will often have some substantial issues going on, so they need to feel validated, they need to feel in control, and insisting therefore, that they are always right helps them with this. They will often go to extremes, wanting to prove that someone else's answers or actions are wrong. But what they often don't get, is that a need to always be right, is also a distancing device: people do not want to get close to someone who always needs to be right, as they know their views won't be heard, that they will always be accused of being wrong. They feel that their own perspective will never matter. Being right certainly has it's place. It's ingrained in most of us from early on in our lives. We know for instance, from childhood, that getting all the answers right in a maths test feels great. The feeling of being right at least sometimes is good, and it stays with us throughout life. We feel validated when we are acknowledged for being right about something. And of course, there are times that we do want other people to be right, such as the dentist who says we need a lot of expensive dental work to be done, or the medical specialist we have been seeing. It's more of a problem in our close, personal relationships, when a partner or family member always needs to be right. This can lead to power imbalances and others feeling like they don't have a voice - even though the person who has that need to be right, is often bolstering their own fragile self-esteem, and is actually not likely to be more right than anyone else. The flip side of being always right (being equally wrong) actually has some positives. We are seen as being more down to earth, less defensive and more human. Plus we are open to learning more things, if we can see that we don't know everything, and that we don't always have the right answer. Take the test, find out if you are someone who always needs to be right. This is very simple: try and recall the last time you apologised to someone. If you can't recall, chances are, you have a need to always be right. Talk soon! ____________________________________________________________________________  I posted back in June about those two little words that are so important. It turns out there's a whole raft of these 'micro phrases' that when used well (ie genuinely), can do wonders for our relationships. So here's another one. Again, like "Thank You," it's seemingly brief and innocuous. But Tell Me More can work in these very important ways:
Good luck, if you have a go at this - and I hope you do.... Talk soon.  We've always believed those three little words (you know the ones I mean) are the golden ones in a relationship. And sure, they are important. But recent research is showing that saying 'thank you' is way more important. Successful relationships, are those where partners feel heard and respected, do not take anything for granted, and are always sure to say 'thank you' in a genuine way. This also works at an individual level. Those people who are more appreciative of the kindness of others and remark on the things they are thankful for, in turn will experience higher levels of personal contentment, will be less stressed overall, and may even sleep better. Thank You. Whakawhetai koe. Gracias. Danke. Shukraan. Merci. Grazie. Dhanyavaad. Obrigado. Fa'afetai.   Not everything needs to be fixed. As a therapist, I like to help people 'fix' the parts of their lives that are not working for them - so this is a good reminder for me and for all of us. Sometimes though, fixing things, such as coming up with a practical solution, is not what is needed. What I'm meaning is something a little different to fixing. Let me explain. Relationships work better, when there is good emotional connection between those who are involved. All relationships, for couples, and for families, go better when people know that someone 'gets them' emotionally. Not only does the relationship work better for those involved, but people also feel better within themselves, individually. Sometimes though, when we see a strong display of upset emotion in someone, we will go straight into wanting to help practically, we will try and fix things. We start coming up with practical solutions, some fixing, as to what they or we could do, to make it all better. Which is kind of understandable when someone we love is upset - we want to help, we don't like to see them distressed. But one of the best things we can do, to make things better for them, is to just be there, be attuned to their emotion, show some empathy. Unless the other person is asking for practical solutions, being there for them, grounding them is way more powerful. And for couple or family relationships, the connection is actually deepened in those moments, between those involved. Many people can struggle with providing this kind of response, especially if they don't 'do' emotions very well. Men are more likely to fit into this category, not always comfortable with showing empathy, more likely to want to fix things, even if they haven't been asked to. And I'm not saying that a practical answer doesn't have its place - sometimes it does. But letting someone know, especially in moments of sadness or distress or fear, that you are there for them, that you have their back, can be so grounding and so settling. Much more effective, much more powerful than a practical fix. Talk soon....  _______________________________________________________________________________________________ |
"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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