I've been talking to some parents lately, and been thinking again about how increasingly complex the job of parenting actually is. I think it is especially challenging for parents with adolescents. Just at the time that young people are needing to developmentally begin to turn away somewhat from their families, along comes a whole bunch of other influences that will muddy the waters.  Young people are influenced externally in ways that are both powerful and rapid, in ways that we would not have even imagined just ten years ago. I'm referring of course to the increasing influence of the dear old technology, and social networking influences such as Facebook. Young people can seem increasingly savvy, increasingly sophisticated...This in turn can often make them sound quite wise and worldly in other areas, which can then lead to parents feeling that it is no longer appropriate for the young person to have boundaries, or parental expectations etc. And kids who are ''trying it on'', in terms of pushing for instance, for more freedom, can sound pretty damned convincing. Parents in turn, can begin to feel less confident in their role, even potentially intimidated by this new ''adult' they have found themselves to be suddenly sharing a house with. And as a result, will often start to back down, to avoid areas that they may now feel suddenly out of their parenting depth in. The backing down is especially likely to happen if the young person has a loud voice, strong powers of persuasion, or both....

It's important though for parents to keep in mind that no matter how worldly  and articulate kids can sound, underneath it all they have limited life-experience, and not always a lot of wisdom to back up those occasionally convincing arguments that they can come up with. So, without being punitive, feel free to set  clear limits, to have expectations. Don't think because a young person seems worldly and wise at age fifteen or sixteen, that your work is done. Know who their friends are- where the party is, who will be there, what time you want them home. Parents who focus on being friends with their kids, rather than parents, are quite deluded.  Kids need parents to be parents- they have friends in other parts of their lives. 

Adolescents will respond to rewards and consequences, especially if it involves technology, or other things they hold dear, and it is a mistake to think that these can only be useful with younger kids. The truth is, we are all shaped by rewards and consequences throughout our lives. The classic example is, that if I don't go to work, I don't get paid. Teenagers will often want and try and convince you otherwise, however : "so what if you ground me- I don't care...." The reality is that they probably do care, they are now just calling your bluff- and even if they really don't, you are still communicating that you care, when you use consequences, ie, that you are the parent, you are in charge. There is security for them in this, even though their actions may indicate that they think otherwise. But make sure, that when things are going well- notice this too, and mention it- do this frequently. Young people- actually all people- are more receptive to hearing what they are occasionally doing wrong, if you are frequently telling them what they are doing right.  

These  are some very basic points to keep in mind if you share your house with one or more teenagers or young people. But I've touched on just a couple of points and of course, there is much more to parenting. Know who your own supports are, for when the going gets tough. And regardless of what we might read, raising teenagers can be just as rewarding, just as much fun as raising kids at any other life-stage. Most teenagers get through this period relatively smoothly. Go and check out these folks for some more substantial stuff: Parentingteens.about.com  And also email me, if you want do discuss any of this, or if you have any concerns about a teen/adolescent that you are living with....

 "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are..." ee.cummings

Who are you really? I was talking with someone the other day about the challenges that can be present in being true to ourselves. This can be especially tricky if we are in a setting where we are expected to behave in a particular way, or respond to a person in a way that we might have in the past, even though this way may no longer suit us personally. The most obvious example here is the way in which grown adults will continue to play into family roles and expectations in the presence of other family members. These ways of being will usually have their genesis in the person's childhood. If you think about someone for instance, who as a child was the overly responsible older sibling, or the goofy and disorganised youngest child, even now as adults, you'll see evidence of those early-life personas. 

The bottom line is that we are all complex beasts, full of contradictions. This means that we probably spend huge chunks of our lives trying to be true to ourselves, trying to be our real selves (whatever or whomever we might believe that to be),  whilst only feeling successful at this some of the time. Maybe though, it is unrealistic to think that we have just one solid and consistent persona that is constant across all parts of our lives, and that whoever we interact with and in whatever setting, we present to all of them in a totally consistent way , and interact in exactly the same manner.   The reality is that most of us probably  have a reasonably constant core self, but we learn to tweek things around the edges, depending on who we are with, or what we think is expected of us in a particular setting. In other words we are probably a little different in different contexts and with different people, and that is OK. Actually the key to whether or not it really is OK is quite simple and it's this: if we do not feel compromised or false, if we don't feel we are putting on an act  (not all the time, anyway), then we probably are OK, and we probably are being reasonably true to ourselves. 

Anyway, for those who want to be more focused on being true to themselves (most of us at some stage), there are some points about this below: 

1) Care less about what other people think of you.   Sure, this is an easy thing to say, but harder to do. But notice too that I didn't suggest that you give this up completely, as the reality is that this can be a difficult thing to do, as what others think of us starts to become ingrained very early on in life.   And in the end, we need to be influenced in some ways, by what others think of us - otherwise the world would be a completely scary and chaotic place, with everyone doing exactly what they want.  However many of us spend way too much time labouring over what others think about us,  to the point that it can become futile. One very important  reason that it's futile, is that each person we encounter will think something slightly different about us anyway (ask twelve different people to describe the Mona Lisa to you, and sure as eggs, you will wind up with twelve different descriptions). The bottom line is, that it is not realistic or reasonable to have everyone like you, or always think positively of you - as all your critics and all your supporters  see the world (and you) through slightly different lenses. Which is as it should be. So if we can't be sure that everyone else will love us - we should at least have a good shot at loving ourselves. As the saying (reality is it's become a real cliche - but it's still holds true) goes, you cannot really love anyone else until you love yourself..

2) Have a bigger voice and disagree more often. You'll probably notice that people who are more at ease with themselves, who are truer to themselves, are more likely to have a voice regarding matters they do not agree with. They do not just go along with things they are not in favor of, and then  quietly complain to others afterwards. Having a bigger voice can be a challenge - especially if part of your early conditioning in life was to be agreeable and to not rock the boat. People who always go with the flow usually wind up pleasing others first- and this is not being true to themselves. Plus, they can lose sight of themselves in the process. We can have a bigger voice without being argumentative or obnoxious - speaking out more on your own behalf will not mean that you will suddenly have heaps of conflict coming your way.  And people will usually respect us if we have a bigger voice, even if they won't always agree with us. And when I say, have a bigger voice - don't get this mixed up with pure complaining and  whining. Remember when your mother told you that nobody likes a whiner? She was right.... There is a big difference between clearly stating your views about something in an assertive way, versus whining about something just for the sake of  complaining. 

3) Worry less about  your appearance or what you look like. You might wish you were a different size or shape because you believe someone might be happier with you, or be more approving of you. You might want to be taller/shorter/thinner/fatter, with blue/green/hazel eyes, and straight/curly/long/short hair . Sure, some of these attributes might be better for your health, who knows? But chances are that those supposedly  more desirable features that we get so bogged down with aspiring to achieve, without ever quite getting there, are likely to have been foisted on to us by a whole lot of bigger external influences which do not have our own personal interests or beliefs at heart... And I fully get the idea that is so easy for me to sit here, and say worry less about your appearance - but we can test these ideas: for instance what would would a week of your life look like, if you did not give a toss about what you wore, because you got dressed in the dark each morning?  And would you still enjoy your evening in an expensive restaurant wind up, if you didn't even bother to go and check at the end of the meal, whether or not you had spinach in your teeth? 

Our true self emerges the more we are at peace with being in our own skin - or the greater tolerance we can have for our green teeth... 

Talk soon...