Five Ways Towards an Easier Life for Newly Blended Families.

There's so much that's been said before about stepfamilies - I won't try and say it all again here. That would have me raving on yet again, with one of those super long blog posts - where you kind of doze off somewhere in the midst of that huge sea of text round about the paragraph five or six mark. Besides, there are heaps of people around who specialise in writing for and about step/blended/reconstituted/new families (maybe after all this time, we could just simply call them 'families') , and they do it so much better than I could ever aspire to.

However, in the interests of supporting blended families and the multitudes of challenges they live with, I do want to mention a few things (OK, there's five..), that I've noticed from my practice, which seem to be areas where folks  frequently get bogged down. If you've lived in a blended family at some point in your life, chances are you've got your own essentials that you'd add to your own list. There are probably at least another dozen points I'd like to include here. But for now, here are  my Big Five:

1. If either or both the new partners have kids from prior relationships: don't try and force things along, purely because one or both of the adults want to get some kind of family life up and happening. Just because the adults love each other, doesn't mean all the young people are going to slot right in, and also feel they are now part of a bigger and newer and more loving family. If there are older kids present (eg., mid-teens and upwards), they may never actually come to consider the new configuration of people to be their family. That's not necessarily a resentment of the new family (though maybe it could be), but more likely a reflection of the life stage they are at now (as they move towards independence), or even the strong loyalties that still exist for them, towards their original nuclear family.
2. The new adult partners love each other: great news for them! But it's not going to suddenly follow that the new partner will also love their partner's kids. Or that kids will love their mum or dad's new partner, for that matter. If they do, that's good news indeed. But relationships in blended families take time to unfold, and love can't be forced or hurried. Apart from the already established relationships between parents and their own biological children (and of course between the new partners), the other relationships need to be low key, without anyone trying too hard. It's a case of giving it at least a couple of years, expecting that yes, there will certainly be an expectation of respect being demonstrated on everyone's part during that period, but anything beyond that is a bonus. 
3. Remember that young people from blended families can lead complex lives. At home  they can be trying to get their heads around attempting to live alongside some people they may not even feel especially connected with. At the same time, they may have a whole bunch of other stuff going on over at their other home,  where they also spend a lot of time. Meanwhile away from the family stuff, there might also be a whole lot of peer relationships that are a big part of the mix. So the young person may be quite uncommitted to the idea of being part of a blended family - and indeed it is usually the partnered adults involved who (understandably) have the biggest commitment to the idea of having everyone present establish themselves in the shape of a new family.
4. Make it clear from the beginning as to who the young people in the new household will be required to answer to. And for the first couple of years, think along the lines of "biological lines of accountability" (there's got to be a better name for that). It basically means that the adults/parents in the house will mainly just be in charge of their own kids. Or when dad or mum isn't actually present in the house, the new partner is seen as the responsible adult, rather than a parent figure - and there is a difference there. Mum or Dad's new partner can be supportive of them as parents, but things become really fraught when the incoming adult attempts to be too parental to their partner's kids, too soon. Don't make these new relationships more complex than they need to be, and remember they will be fraught at times, but they will also evolve and improve, if people let them unfold for a while.
5. So many people are in blended families - surely they can't be that hard to live in? Being high in numbers doesn't necessarily make them any easier. There's maybe an assumption with many of us, that because there are so many blended families around, they must be pretty straight forward, as most of those folks seem to be getting on with their lives just fine. That's not necessarily the case. Blended families can go very well, but they can also be very challenging for all the participants involved - regardless of how common or not they are. So it's good to be supportive of them, and especially of those young people from blended families who may juggle all of this stuff in more than one household.

That's it from me - watch out for the blades in the blender - they can be sharp!

As always, if you live around these parts of the planet (Christchurch, New Zealand), and you want  help with any of this stuff, please feel free to make contact with me.

Otherwise, catch you soon...

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