That One Little Question....

In the busy-ness of lives, it can be pretty easy for people in close relationships to assume that things are going OK between them. And I'm talking here not just about couples, but all close family relationships. So that got me thinking about how we are increasingly asked 'How Are We Doing' type questions from those businesses and retailers and that want to serve us  better. Yet the question can be just as important to ask  ourselves at home as well, though with a slightly different  and more personal focus.

We can easily think that because there are no obvious issues, that "we are doing OK." And you probably are. But sometimes too, there might be a sense that your partner (or teenager) is a little distant, they seem to be a little cool towards you. So in the absence of information from them, and no real plan for dealing with these occasions, we can then wind up thinking "this must be something I've done". Sure, sometimes it will be something you have done, but often it isn't. So we can be left second guessing, thinking the worst, unless we have some kind of plan for checking these situations out, and also focusing in on how the relationship is overall.

So one thing I've been encouraging lately, with the couples and families I work with, is to have a go at trialling the " micro check-in." As the name suggests, this does not need to be a big "sit down/let's get serious/what's happening with us right now" kind of deal - though those deeper conversations do have their place also. Instead, this is just a quick focusing in on the relationship, and ensuring that this happens regularly, so that each person knows that it is important enough that it stays on their shared agendas. 

Getting into brief and regular relationship check-ins works in two important ways - firstly it keeps the relationship on the radar, and decreases the chances of it declining due to lack of attention. Secondly it can make the relationship more resilient, and less vulnerable to big blow-ups,  because it is getting looked in on regularly, rather than waiting for a big conflict to come along and then have that unfold poorly, due to the fact that the two players involved have been somewhat distant from each other lately. 

Questions like How Are We Doing then pave the way for follow-up conversations like. "I'm feeling like we are pretty good right now - what about you?" Or  "I was really distracted after this incident at work - sorry if I seemed distant. Are we OK now?" A quick conversation like this can help both to  re-connect.   The flip-side is important too - you  might be a bit ticked off with the other person right now, but because the relationship is now getting more  regular attention, there will be  scope to raise things, rather than letting  stuff sit and get bigger, and not knowing what to do with it. 

A good time for the micro-check in is at the end of the day, when people get back together at home, and are leaning in towards spending the evening together. A micro check-in will set the evening up better - and this is especially important for parents of families for whom this can be a pressured time of the day, when there's a lot of stuff to get done.  

One thing the micro check-in is  not, is a substitute for the more substantial conversations that also need to happen, which go deeper, and attend to the underlying factors which affect connectedness - but these deeper conversations become easier to access if the check ins are happening frequently, because they provide a way in. So when it needs to, the micro check-in becomes an occasional portal to the deeper stuff: "that sounds like it's important - can we come back to that later on when the kids are in bed?"

It makes sense if micro check-ins can happen fairly regularly - like all behaviours they work better for us when we can make them part of our regular routines.  It's good too, if this is a shared responsibility - that it's not just one person's job to ask the question. 

Good luck with this - give it a whirl, see what comes of it. 

I'm away for the next few weeks - but happy to work with you again on couple or family issues from June 18th.

Talk soon....

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