WHY YOU NEED A RESILIENT RELATIONSHIP.

We seem to hear so much about resilience these days - so we know that it must be important. Mostly when we read about it, the writer will be explaining as to why  we as individuals need to be sure we have a fair measure of it in our lives. And that it is necessary because it will keep us more resistant to things like anxiety or depression, we will be less bruised by the challenges that  life throws us, and  we will generally be healthier overall.  And that is all so important.

What we tend to read less about though,  is why we might also need to make our relationships resilient (I know - it's one more thing to have to do, isn't it? Make yourself resilient. Tick. Now make your relationship resilient also - yikes, when will this all end!).  But  seriously, there are good reasons for us to build stronger and more resilient relationships.

An obvious one is that for those  people involved in a resilient relationship (and although I'm talking primarily about couple relationships, the ideas here have relevance for all types of close relationships) there is a sense that they are closer, more connected, they 'get' each other, and are more likely to have each other's backs.  The resilient relationship becomes a safe haven from the bumpiness of the world, because you know that at least one person on the planet is really there for you. 

Another reason - and perhaps this is the Big One, is that resilient relationships are less likely to be damaged by conflict. And conflict will happen. If a couple know how to make themselves stronger, they are less likely to be be blown over in the storm - they are strong and solid, and this heated moment will maybe test them somewhat, but they WILL come back from it, because they have a solid foundation.

Naturally there are some ways in which we can make our relationships stronger and more resilient.  But remember too, these are things to not try just once, but to keep doing, and know too, that occasionally you will slip, and go back to your old 'default' ways.

Top of my list is a point that I've been banging on about for years now, to anyone who will listen. 

1) Notice what is going well in the relationship, (and even in tough times, there will still be stuff that is going well) and mention it out loud to the other person. Sounds so simple, and it works.

2) Voice your potential issues in a way that the other person can openly and receptively hear them. If you raise an issue in a hostile or  complaining way, know full-well what you will then get back: a negative and resistant response, sure as eggs. What can then also happen is that the issue you raised  (which was important to you at the time), is soon lost, while you both instead get back into your old "going nowhere" conflict dance once again. 

3) Think about being in the heat of a conflict, and weighing up in that moment, what is more important: winning this argument right now,  (and therefore feeling a bit smug for a few minutes), or instead looking at the bigger picture of the stability of an on-going and secure relationship, and therefore deciding you do not need to win every time.

4) Notice what keeps the two of you connected and make sure you keep that stuff happening. This can be things like shared interests. But one real point of connection that I see for many of the couples I work with is a shared sense of humour.

5) Remember too, that like anything that is worthwhile in life, we have to put in some work. I know that some people believe that good relationships just flow positively, of their own free will, because the people involved are such a good fit, and that no actual effort is required. OK. Good luck to those people, I guess!  My understanding is  that relationships always run  better, when we work at them.

The great thing that comes from building a more resilient relationship is that the people within those relationships also increase their own personal levels of individual resilience. And that can only be good for them.

​Talk soon. 

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