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NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
 Seasons Greetings! - So where did that year go?? I'm not quite ready for December. But I wasn't ready for November or October either... Thinking about the rapidly declining year got me also thinking about the many couples and families I've worked with this year. And there has been quite a number of them, that's for sure. The good thing is that most of them had some success in therapy (or outside of therapy, which is where the real work happens), one way or another - enough anyway that they could pick things up and get on with their lives. Mostly they did not require a huge number of meetings with me to get some positive changes happening. Looking back now at the couples I've been priviledged to work, it's important to remember that they clearly had issues and challenges that were unique to them and for some, there were real crises. So that meant working with them to find ways forward that would work especially for their situation. But there were also some things that many of these couples attempted in common. Sure, maybe they were not all useful for all couples - but certainly most people found at least a few of these to be useful. So what did work? As mentioned, many of them needed to address Bigger Picture stuff regarding aspects of their relationship like connectedness, communication, and the role of conflict, to name three. But in amongst all of that, there was the discovery from many of these couples, that although the following strategies did not resolve their issues as such, they never the less contributed to increased positivity and enhanced feelings of well being between them as partners - important stuff, for sure. And a better 'relationship climate' somehow made those bigger crises and challenges a bit more manageable, and a bit less overwhelming. But before we get to them - apologies if you have read some of these here (and elsewhere) before. Well - actually, there's no apology...the reason that I'm banging on about these strategies yet again, is because they work (people who make a living research couple functioning can verify they work), and it's not just me that is saying this. So if you are likely to be having some extended time together as a couple over the summer holidays, (or even if you just want to be a bit more focused on your relationship) please feel free to give these a test drive, if you haven't already. You might be surprised: simple yet useful. 1) Checking the 'temperature' of your relationship.... Simply put, this is just checking in with your partner, along the lines of one asking the other "how are we doing today?" It puts the relation under focus - and invites each partner, however briefly, to think about how things are between them. Couples who did this noticed that it often led to a bigger conversation, though this wasn't always a necessity. 2) Watch your delivery. Couples noticed that there was more scope for a useful conversation regarding issues that were bugging them, if they raised these in measured, non-confrontational ways, rather than going in with guns blazing, and their partner then getting defensive and angry in return, and the issue then not being addressed, or turning instead into a bigger conflict. 3) Compliment your partner when they do something that helps the relationship. Couples who got in to the habit of doing this regularly noticed that it helped them feel closer overall. Also it seemed to help the relationship become a bit more resilient, in that the relationship could stand a bit of negativity, if this was balanced with praise and compliments, remembering it's people of all ages that need praise, compliments and encouragement, not just kids. 4) See your couple relationship as a priority. In amongst the busy-ness of lives, and the need to attend to kids/careers/running a home/supporting wider family/studying, those couples who prioritised their couple relationship (which, afterall, is a foundation to so many of those other parts of their lives, in that those parts would probably would not otherwise be there) noticed they felt more connected overall. Couples who were in strife when they first attended therapy, often noticed that their own couple relationship has slipped down the list - sometimes to the point that it was at the bottom. All those other demands are more manageable when the couple relationship is looked after - almost like it was an entity in its own right. Plus it's important role-modeling for kids, when they see their parents giving their own relationship the time and energy that it deserves, as parents are always the biggest teachers in this regard. There we have it - four simple things that began to turn many relationships around. Sure, there were more specific areas that couples needed to address, and many of them also did well with those - but those who started using all, or even a couple of the above strategies started to notice a difference. I'm looking forward to the opportunity of working with more couples and families in 2017. Seeing the changes that are possible is always rewarding, both for them and for me - so please try to enjoy the holiday season over the coming weeks, but also feel free to contact me after January 9th if you are needing some assistance. Talk soon - and feel free to visit me over at Facebook!   REJECTION GETS A LOT OF BAD PRESS. It's like it has nothing good going for it. And when we are right in the grip of it's clutches, it can be devastating. It's one of those things that all humans can relate to, as we all experience it, and no one has ever really been able to avoid it. And it hurts. And depending on what is at stake, and who we have been rejected by, it can hurt badly. Yet it's also important to think about what rejection means, and when we are not in the mist of the pain it can inflict, what we can actually learn from it. I'm not suggesting that we have to cop all rejection on the chin, because there will be times that else has someone got it wrong, and the rejection is not accurate. But it's always important to weigh it up, and not immediately dismiss the rejector as being cruel/nasty/nutty. So there are some important point to consider, when talking about rejection. And I'm talking about rejection in broader terms - what it means in our close relationships, but also what it means when it happens in other parts of our lives. 1) Rejection helps us keep our egos in check and remain reasonable human beings. If everything we wanted always went completely our way, and none of us were ever rejected, we would be living on a planet filled with Donald Trumps, with everyone bloated, out for themselves, and completely filled with their own importance. Yikes... 2) Rejection can make us feel stronger. Sure, it can be a punch in the guts sometimes. But when we get through the initial hurt - we can actually see that the rejection is an opportunity to rise up, show what we are made of, and challenge the vision or idea of us that the rejector might have had. Maybe they got it right, maybe they got it wrong. Either way, we can now show them what we are really made of. 3) We often take rejection way too personally. It's easy to get into the trap of thinking rejection surely means we are completely useless, and a failed human being. Yet the majority of time, the rejection relates to one relatively small part of our behaviour eg., not being compatible in some part of a relationship, or not having a specific skill or attribute for some part of a job. 4) Rejection can be a wake-up call. Someone thinks they have the skills for the job or role, and they've applied now for two similar positions with two different companies. But twice now, their application has been turned down, because of perceived weakness in the same area each time... This is probably the time for the person to pay attention, knuckle down and get the skills or attributes they thought they had, or start looking in another direction. Rejection can lead us to areas of self-improvement, or skill development that we would not have otherwise bothered with. 5) Rejection can make us more attuned to others. When we have experienced the knock that comes from being rejected, we are then more likely to have empathy for others who are going through their own rejection. Rejection is one of those weird human experiences that everyone can relate to, and it therefore connects us all. 6) Rejection is very common for people who push themselves and for highly successful people. They have needed rejection to get where they are, and they've often had it time and again. Oprah Winfrey was rejected from her first job as as a tv news-reader, being told she was unsuitable for television. JK Rowling had her first Harry Potter book rejected by 11 publishing companies, before finally being accepted for publication. 7) Rejection by a romantic partner is probably the most hurtful of all types of rejection. So choosing to be in a relationship, always means we are also choosing the risk of possible rejection. It's important too, to keep in mind that rejection from one partner of another, can often simply be a statement about the overall incompatibility of both partners with each other, even though both are not able to see this at the time. It can also mean that one of the partners is able to step up and address a difficult part of a relationship, or finally take charge of a relationship that was going no-where. The bottom line is, if we don't get rejected, we don't really live. When we try to avoid rejection, we don't put ourselves out there, we don't put ourselves on the line, and we get too scared to take a chance. So get rejected! Talk soon....   I've been talking with quite a few parents lately about how they run things at home - and how confusion can set in for them, when children grow into adolescents, and can sound fairly smart and worldly, and can thereby be reasonably convincing about letting parents know that their guidance is no longer required! I usually encourage parents to remain in charge - that whilst it's important to respect the young person's growing need for independence and increased freedom, their worlds, and functioning in general, works better when there is structure in place, or to put it simply, when they know what is expected of them. Indeed, knowing what is expected of us in different situations makes all of us function better - regardless of our age. I hear increasingly of kids having no real bedtime as such, and but more worryingly, having no restrictions over use of digital technology late in to the night. Meanwhile parents often know that although this might not be OK, they are likely to get a verbal barrage, if they try and impose any boundaries around this - and so they don't. This can then mean that teenagers, who through a lack of containment around internet access, are often gaming, or on social media until the wee small hours. There are a lot of flow-on effects from this, in that they struggle to get up in the mornings, and over time they don't function well in school because they are chronically sleep-deprived. Consequently they are increasingly out of sync with their families, and the wider world and are not doing well at all the tasks and challenges of this life-stage. What is also becoming apparent, is that many young people are developing raging internet addictions, and spending up to twelve plus hours a day online no longer seems unusual. Naturally enough, things can get pretty ugly for parents when they try to intervene in this sort of behaviour - yet to not do so, is to enable them and have things get worse. To let it go, for fear of the young person throwing a major hissy fit, does not do them any favours - there will be a continued decline in the young person's health and general well-being. Part of parenting an adolescent, is preparing them to do OK in the world - and whilst parents, and maybe schools can turn an occasional blind eye to a person who is frequently tired, irritable and unhealthy looking, future employers are not likely to be so forgiving. So what can parents of adolescents do: 1) Think about the presence of technology in the house: do people take it for granted? Or can it become a parenting resource, whereby access is not freely given, but is a reward for people who fit in with the rest of the household with regards to appropriate sleep hours, who make time to spend with family members, and pitch in with the running of the household. It's important too, as in all aspects of family life, that parents think about what they are role-modelling for their young people. I hear increasingly from adolescents about parents who they want to talk with about something, to find time and again, that the parents are distracted with Facebook. Parents who initiate 8 hours of the household being unplugged each night - even if they need to take the router with them to bed - notice after a while how everyone functions better. 2) When trying to do some things differently, expect that it might get worse before it gets better... this is especially so, when parents try to take charge of excessive internet usage, or other areas of their kid's life that they might have let slide. In the early stages of trying to change things, parents should expect major meltdowns - especially so, if this has worked for the young person in the past. But if parents can stand their ground, the young person will (eventually!) come on board. And remember too, kids actually function better, when there are boundaries, and when they know what is expected of them. 3) It's really important for parents to model calm, rational behaviour, even if it seems the young person is trying to wind them up. I often hear parents complaining about teenagers who nut out, lose the plot, yell, swear, or kick holes in walls. Yet further discussion discloses that the whole house can be volatile, that parents rant and rave, and even get physical themselves. So they role-model aggressive or volatile behaviour, then seem genuinely puzzled (or even irate) when their young person starts flexing their own muscles in similar ways... Hmmmm. 4) Notice the good stuff that is happening. There is usually some good stuff going on, but parents can often not see this, if they have been distracted by the not OK stuff. But there are two important reasons for looking out (and you actually may have to consciously look out for it) and commenting on the good stuff. One is that if you tell a young person they are doing something well, then there's a good chance they'll do more of it for you (like most of us will). The other reason is that the young person will be more receptive to being pulled up or challenged about something, if this is happening within a more balanced atmosphere of also being praised for things they do well. 5) Keep the communication happening. I often hear how parents stop enquiring about what is going on in the life of their adolescent, because "I only get a grunt back." It's important that parents keep doing it anyway - even if weeks and months go by with little coming back their way. There are actually three reasons for doing this. One is that the adult needs to role-model how healthy communication works. The second reason is that the young person (and some of them are actually quite talkative anyway) will come out of this, and will notice that you hung in there, even if it was largely one way traffic for a while. And the third reason is that by remaining communicative with the young person, you stay connected with them, which increases the chances of them coming to you, when there is a big issue in their life. Kids don't tend to go adults who they see as being remote or uncommunicative. So - five pointers to make life run more easily with adolescents under your roof... I'll be covering the other 40,000 pointers in the weeks ahead..... Or not! Seriously though, if you are really needing some support or input with stuff I've mentioned here, please feel free to contact me. Talk soon.   CONFLICT. If only we could all do this better. Conflict is something that we all encounter - and it's a pretty normal human behaviour, yet we all muck it up from time to time. When it's not well managed, it blows up big-time, and can be so damaging, to couples, families, communities and even countries. Maybe we can't change what goes on at a macro-level, such as between countries. But we can certainly look at how we do this closer to home - such as with our kids, our partners, and our parents, and of course with our colleagues and friends. This can make our own lives more satisfying and peaceful - and who knows what it would mean for the wider world if we all focused first on managing conflict better with those in our immediate lives - what might then radiate out to the wider world? One of the things I wind up talking a lot about with clients who are wanting to deal with conflict better is this: whilst it might be good to actually resolve conflict, (because that can be satisfying), what is probably more important is to have a way of managing it. And there's a big difference between managing it (that is, developing a map for how you will 'do' conflict) and resolving it. If we have a map, or a way of managing it, the actual focus of the conflict is less important - because now we are more in control of it, and it is less likely to blow up on us. So here are four very simple yet important pointers. These are not the only strategies for managing conflict. But they are certainly useful ones, and they've been road-tested. Clients I've worked with have tried them and found to be very helpful. 1) Look at your own contribution to the conflict. Conflict usually requires at least two players - so think (and it's so important that you do the thinking bit in a calm and non-volatile way) about what the other person is saying, if someone has raised an issue that they have with you. Do they have a valid concern? If so, acknowledge this to them - this small step in itself will start to take some of the heat out of the situation. 2) When you raise or discuss an issue that's bugging you, use the good old "I" statements: "I got pretty anxious when I discovered that the phone bill was unpaid, and we were about to lose internet service." Talk about the personal impact, rather than going on the attack/blame mode: "You are so useless - you've never paid an account on time in your entire life...." This kind of statement will bring a defensive response, and an escalation of the conflict. 3) Watch your delivery. Use a respectful tone - don't use sarcasm, don't rant and rave, as this will get you a angry, defensive or closed down response from the other person. The whole thing will escalate, and any chance of resolving the issue will be out the window, guaranteed. The following statement has been around forever, and it makes so much sense: "Only 10% of conflict is about the issue - 90% is about the delivery (ie. communication)." 4) Watch your timing. Don't raise an issue with someone if they have just collapsed in the door at home after a long and crappy day. Even within families of people who are all related, people will have differing times of the day when they can manage conflict better. And none of us do it well when we are tired. If you have a burning issue, and the other person looks washed out, or distracted, ask about when might be a good time to talk with them about something that has been worrying you. Timing can also relate to the differing individual processing speeds we might have, or differing amounts of time needed to think about the issue that's been raised: one person might feel good if they can work through an issue right there, and right then, talk it all out so they can move on. The other person's style might be more reflective and inward focusing and they might need to signal something like: "can I think about that for a bit, and get back to you on that tonight?" Different styles resulting in different timing - neither is right or wrong - just different. As I said earlier, there are no guarantees that these points will resolve the issue (and it's important to know too, when to put something aside, because neither of you are getting anywhere with it). But if you keep them in mind, they will certainly make conflicts more manageable and decrease the chances of them blowing up into bigger, nastier things, Feel free to contact me if you need any help with managing conflict in any of your close relationships. Talk soon!  |
"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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