Who is in charge at your house??

WHO IS IN CHARGE? IT SOUNDS  LIKE A FAIRLY SIMPLE QUESTION, DOESN'T IT?

It's one that I've asked many times in family therapy sessions over the years, and it can tell me a lot about how a family operates. The question is more effective  of course, when there are kids and parents present together. The answer that works best for me (and of course for the family) is when the kids tell me loud and clear that mum and dad are in charge. But there are variations on this, and that's to be expected, and is one of the reasons why I have a job.

One variation is when the ten year old girl answers by pointing nervously at her sullen fifteen year old brother, who sneers at her, but says nothing, while the parents look on, then giggle nervously with some embarrassment because what she has said is true - he is in charge, because he seems to have the most power in the family. Equally concerning is when I ask the question and the overly active six year old boy shoots his hand up and proudly proclaims that "I am!," while the accompanying worn out mum nods weakly in agreement. 

What it all boils down to (and this is nothing new - I've been banging on about this on these pages on and off for a few years now), is that kids (and indeed whole families) function better when they know who is charge, or there is a clear hierarchy. And ideally, this hierarchy needs to be headed up by those in the family who have the most life experience, and the most wisdom. This of course is usually the same person (or people) who pays the internet bill: the parent/s. Kids of all ages - but especially teens - function better when they know who is in charge, and who they need to answer to. That does not mean that they will quietly comply at all times with the requests and directives of whoever is in charge - but they will feel more contained - safer even - when they know what the rules are and what is expected of them. 

A simple way to think about it is to remember that it's all about structure: we all (not just kids) function better, when we know what is expected of us. Like it or not, our entire lives tend to be largely shaped by structure  in its varying shapes and sizes, meaning that in most parts of our day to day lives, we know what to do and we know what is expected of us.  

Even though the angry teen or the tantrumming six year old can seem like they enjoy being in charge, they actually don't. At some level, they know that they don't yet have the capacity to run the show.  They function better, they feel better, and they relate better, when there are one or two sane and sensible adults at the helm, who can provide sound, balanced and respectful parenting.

So, as a parent, if it feels like everyone else but you is running the show at your house, jump over here  to this page at Empowering Parents for some detailed and practical ideas for restoring your family's hierarchy to its healthiest position. 

Talk soon.