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NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
 How did this happen? How did Christmas turn up so quickly this year? My input to these blog pages has slowed down a bit this year. I've been pretty busy with an ever-changing list of clients I've been working with, coupled with other commitments, such as my work on a post-grad course for a local university. And now Christmas is here again. My work with clients has had it's challenges, but I wouldn't have it any other way. People coming in with issues and complexity in their relationships get a good level of energy and commitment from me, and all of us then working together usually means that a good outcome can be arrived at. Naturally enough, when people attend therapy, there's going to be a big focus on what is not going right for them. But what is easy to forget at these times, is the importance of remembering what is going right. And there is always stuff that is going right. Yet often, there is no acknowledgement of this. There will be no complimenting or praising of those positive words or behaviours that each other is using. Which brings me to what I wanted to mention today, and that is the importance of praise. (Compliments are important too, but praise has a bit more depth to it, as it focuses more on people's actions or behaviours). We know that there are a whole lot of things we can do that will make relationships work better, and make them more satisfying and stable, and praise is just one of these things. And it is one that is frequently overlooked. In fact when I had a quick look at The Font of All Knowledge (ie., Google), in search of why praise might be important, while there was a whole bunch of information about how and why we should praise kids, there was very little to be said about why it might also be important for adults. Yet we all need it, and at all stages of our lives. Human nature, being what it is, we can so easily be drawn to pointing out the faults and short-comings of others - yet we are less likely to do the reverse. To give praise, compliments and encouragement. When we praise someone about something they have done, they feel great. This has been proven to be so - research has shown that when people are genuinely praised, they get a release of dopamine, the neurotransmitter which makes humans feel good. So chances are, whatever they did to receive your positive words, they will remenber this, and do more of it in the future. And you'll also probably feel good because they feel good. Not only will an increase in praise make for a more substantial connection in the relationship, it also helps to make the relationship more resilient, as when there is an overall increase in connection and positivity, the relationship can then withstand occasional episodes of conflict. If you need a quick reminder about what else makes relationships work better, feel free to go back to this practical info that I wrote about earlier this year: How to avoid going to therapy. Happy Holidays - Survive any Secret Santa gifts as best you can, and remember to praise those people who really matter to you.   Call them what we will - arguments, fights, disagreements, conflicts. They happen in most families, they happen for most couples. No-one likes them very much, yet we all seem to do it. I know I'm often banging on about conflict in relationships, I've written about it here quite a few times over the years. And I do want to mention it again, but this time from a slightly different perspective. I'm not talking today about stopping the conflict or the argument - though if you can do that, or at least do it better, that's excellent, (you can now go and have a coffee, because you don't need to read beyond this point). What I was thinking about instead was how to look out for the pattern the argument usually follows. In other words, not necessarily trying to STOP the argument, but instead observing HOW the argument unfolds. To be your own fly on the wall - so that you can eventually begin to understand your own pattern, and as a result of this, eventually take charge of it and 'do' conflict better. Because observing how we behave in a certain situation actually gives us some personal power over that behaviour. Most family members and most couples tend to do at least two things when it comes to arguing. One is that they will argue (especially couples) over relatively minor things. Couples tell me this time and again: "when it comes to the big things, we don't have a problem." The second thing, is that there is usually a pattern to those arguments - regardless of what the current conflict is about, there's a big chance that each person will slot into the same old dance. A typical pattern of conflict can look something like this: the first person raises something and maybe there is a tone of frustration already present. The second person senses the irritation, does not respond well, and emotionally (or physically) turns away. The first person feels more irritated (or ignored) and becomes louder/more irritated. The second person retreats further or switches off. The first person may then also close down. As a result, they can both wind up feeling hurt, or not understood, or rejected. Regardless of what the pattern looks like, it's pretty common to start drawing on some of these very common (and unhelpful) behaviours: 1) becoming loud or angry, or overly emotional, 2) closing down, while emotionally and/or physically turning away; 3) not listening to the other's point of view, (because you feel yours is the only one that really matters right now); 4) using name-calling or yelling or sarcasm; 5) using absolute terms like "You never...." or "You always....." and 6) bringing up old issues that have nothing to do with this issue. So an important first step in 'doing' conflict better, is being able to step outside of it, and to actually observe how you do this, as it's inevitably a dance that you both play a part in. Once you see that there is a pattern (how does it start off, who does/says what, does it escalate, then what, how is the issue resolved, etc), a natural next step is to acknowledge is that it doesn't work, and decide what you are going to do differently. And it's great when both parties can see all this, and will then want to address it together. But remember too, that you can't change the other person (only they can do that), but you can certainly change your part in at all.... As you can see in John Gottman's pic below, managing conflict is an important step in building a Sound Relationship House. And identifying conflict patterns is vital if conflict is to be then managed well. Feel free to contact me if you need any help in better managing the conflict in your relationship. Talk soon...   HAPPY NEW YEAR - I hope 2019 has kicked off to a good start for you. I'm lucky enough to still be on leave and I will be for another few days, though I've already been contacted by new clients who want to begin to address their issues before the year starts to get crazy again. At this time of the year, I tend to do some reflecting on what seemed to work well for my clients during the year prior. Thinking about this helps me refine what I have to offer, knowing that most couples (and families) are usually pretty keen to come in, do what they need to do to get things back on track without therapy becoming this drawn-out and expensive process. So, again I got to thinking about what did work in therapy last year, and what would it mean if people started doing some of this stuff, without even coming to see me? Would their relationships improve? Would my couch become a big vacant space, and would I even be out of a job? Either way, it seems important to share this stuff. So in essence, people who focused on at least some of these things, and continued doing them no matter what, noticed that their relationships began to improve. 1) They came to an understanding that their couple relationship was the foundation to so many other parts of their lives. Or another way of looking at this, is that if they had not got together as a couple, they likely may not have become parents/got a house/got the careers they have, etc. There is likely so much stuff that has come out of getting together in that couple relationship back in the day - and therefore it remains the foundation to so much of their lives now, so they understood clearly why it needed to be nurtured and looked after, and to be seen as a priority. When the couple relationship works well, so do so many other parts of their lives. So those couples who were super busy with kids/careers etc knew that they had to put their own relationship back at the top of the list. Better for them, better for their kids too. 2) They noticed what was working, and kept doing it. Most couples and families approach therapy with very clear ideas on what is going wrong, and what they want to 'fix.' This is understandable, but at some point of the therapy process, it's important to draw their attention back, to what does work. Experience tells me there is always something that works (even if partners have lost sight of this), otherwise they would not stay together. 3) They noticed how they raised their gripes and concerns with each other. Rather than going in on the attack, and therefore getting an angry or defensive response right back, they began to understand that their issues were more likely to be heard and responded to, if they raised them in a rational and respectful way. 4) They knew that it was important to be able to somehow communicate to their partner, that here was someone who 'got' them, who was on their team, and that there was at least one person on the planet who was really there for them. Being able to demonstrate this in an on-going way can cut through a whole lot of potential conflict, as on-going conflict in a relationship can often be a (flawed) way of checking out "do I matter to you?" 5) Where are we going, what are we doing? Many couples and families noticed they were more settled and stable when there were shared goals in place, and they were moving forward with at least one particular focus in mind. This might have been about achieving a long-standing shared dream, or something simple, such as finally completing a project together. 6) They didn't shame or belittle each other. They knew that shaming the other person (such as criticising something that they might have done, but not done well, or ridiculing them in front of friends or family) only creates distance and resentment over time. 7) They knew to stay connected, yet to also have their own lives and interests. ConfIicting I know - yet it makes sense. In practice, it might translate to a couple making sure they stay connected during the day, by checking in with an occasional phone call or text. But knowing too that to be healthy as individuals they need their own interests and friends. Fresh and recharged individuals bring energy into their important relationships. 8) They didn't yell at each other, or name-call. Basic stuff, for sure. But so damaging when it becomes an on-going ingredient of a relationship. 9) They got into the habit of having quick check-ins about the relationship. The simple task of either partner asking from time to time a little question such as "how are we doing?" means the relationship stays on the agenda, and is less likely to be ignored. This can also short-circuit potential conflict, as issues can be raised sooner, while they are still small and manageable. Don't under-estimate the value of this "little but big" task. When it works well, it's a beauty. If you want to read more about this, feel free to take a look here. 10) Doing stuff between therapy sessions was important. They soon figured out that just talking on the couch in the therapy office was not going to be enough - they needed to really step up and actually start doing some of these things at home. And maybe if they had had prior knowledge about these things, they would not have needed to go to therapy in the first place. There we have it - stuff that worked for couples and families in 2018. Likely to be just as useful for 2019. And maybe these things won't make any relationship perfect (if indeed, any relationship can ever be perfect). But they will certainly help. Feel free to contact me if you are needing input for your family and/or couple. Who knows - if a lot of people start doing this stuff, I might have a lot of time on my hands...... Talk soon...   We seem to hear so much about resilience these days - so we know that it must be important. Mostly when we read about it, the writer will be explaining as to why we as individuals need to be sure we have a fair measure of it in our lives. And that it is necessary because it will keep us more resistant to things like anxiety or depression, we will be less bruised by the challenges that life throws us, and we will generally be healthier overall. And that is all so important. What we tend to read less about though, is why we might also need to make our relationships resilient (I know - it's one more thing to have to do, isn't it? Make yourself resilient. Tick. Now make your relationship resilient also - yikes, when will this all end!). But seriously, there are good reasons for us to build stronger and more resilient relationships. An obvious one is that for those people involved in a resilient relationship (and although I'm talking primarily about couple relationships, the ideas here have relevance for all types of close relationships) there is a sense that they are closer, more connected, they 'get' each other, and are more likely to have each other's backs. The resilient relationship becomes a safe haven from the bumpiness of the world, because you know that at least one person on the planet is really there for you. Another reason - and perhaps this is the Big One, is that resilient relationships are less likely to be damaged by conflict. And conflict will happen. If a couple know how to make themselves stronger, they are less likely to be be blown over in the storm - they are strong and solid, and this heated moment will maybe test them somewhat, but they WILL come back from it, because they have a solid foundation. Naturally there are some ways in which we can make our relationships stronger and more resilient. But remember too, these are things to not try just once, but to keep doing, and know too, that occasionally you will slip, and go back to your old 'default' ways. Top of my list is a point that I've been banging on about for years now, to anyone who will listen. 1) Notice what is going well in the relationship, (and even in tough times, there will still be stuff that is going well) and mention it out loud to the other person. Sounds so simple, and it works. 2) Voice your potential issues in a way that the other person can openly and receptively hear them. If you raise an issue in a hostile or complaining way, know full-well what you will then get back: a negative and resistant response, sure as eggs. What can then also happen is that the issue you raised (which was important to you at the time), is soon lost, while you both instead get back into your old "going nowhere" conflict dance once again. 3) Think about being in the heat of a conflict, and weighing up in that moment, what is more important: winning this argument right now, (and therefore feeling a bit smug for a few minutes), or instead looking at the bigger picture of the stability of an on-going and secure relationship, and therefore deciding you do not need to win every time. 4) Notice what keeps the two of you connected and make sure you keep that stuff happening. This can be things like shared interests. But one real point of connection that I see for many of the couples I work with is a shared sense of humour. 5) Remember too, that like anything that is worthwhile in life, we have to put in some work. I know that some people believe that good relationships just flow positively, of their own free will, because the people involved are such a good fit, and that no actual effort is required. OK. Good luck to those people, I guess! My understanding is that relationships always run better, when we work at them. The great thing that comes from building a more resilient relationship is that the people within those relationships also increase their own personal levels of individual resilience. And that can only be good for them. Talk soon.  |
"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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