How to avoid going to therapy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR - I hope 2019  has kicked off to a good start for you. 

I'm lucky enough to still be on leave and I will be for another few days, though I've already been contacted by  new clients who want to begin to address their issues before the year starts to get crazy again. 

At this time of the year, I tend to do some reflecting on what seemed to work well for my clients during the year prior. Thinking about this helps me refine what I have to offer, knowing that most couples (and families) are usually pretty keen to come in, do what they need to do to get things back on track without therapy becoming this drawn-out and expensive process. 

So, again I got to thinking about what did work in therapy last year, and what would it mean if people started doing some of this stuff, without even coming to see me? Would their relationships improve? Would my couch become a big vacant space, and would I even be out of a job? Either way, it seems important to share this stuff. So in essence, people who focused on at least some of these things, and continued doing them no matter what, noticed that their relationships began to improve.

1) They came to an understanding that their couple relationship was the foundation to so many other parts of their lives. Or another way of looking at this, is that if they had not got together as a couple, they likely may not have become parents/got a house/got the careers they have, etc. There is likely so much stuff that has come out of  getting together in that couple relationship back in the day - and therefore it remains the foundation to so much of their lives now, so they understood clearly why it needed to be nurtured and looked after, and to be seen as a priority. When the couple relationship works well, so do so many other parts of their lives. So those couples who were super busy with kids/careers etc knew that they had to put their own relationship back at the top of the list. Better for them, better for their kids too. 

​2) They noticed what was working, and kept doing it. Most couples and families approach therapy with very clear ideas on what is going wrong, and what they want to 'fix.' This is understandable, but at some point of the therapy process, it's important to draw their attention back, to what does work. Experience tells me there is always something that works (even if partners have lost sight of this), otherwise they would not stay together. 

​3) They noticed how they raised their gripes and concerns with each other. Rather than going in on the attack, and therefore getting an angry or defensive response right back, they began to understand that their issues were more likely to be heard and responded to, if they raised them in a rational and respectful way.

4) They knew that it was important to be able to somehow communicate to their partner, that here was someone who 'got' them,  who was on their team, and that there was at least one person on the planet who was really there for them. Being able to demonstrate this in an on-going way can cut through a whole lot of potential conflict, as on-going conflict in a relationship can often be a (flawed) way of checking out "do I matter to you?"

5) Where are we going, what are we doing? Many couples and families noticed they were more settled and stable when there were shared goals in place, and they were moving forward with at least one particular focus in mind. This might have been about achieving a long-standing shared dream, or something simple, such as finally completing a project together. 

6) They didn't shame or belittle each other. They knew that shaming the other person (such as criticising something that they  might have done, but not done well, or ridiculing them in front of friends or family) only creates distance and resentment over time. 

7) They knew to stay connected, yet to also have their own lives and interests. ConfIicting I know - yet it makes sense. In practice, it might translate to a couple making sure they stay connected during the day, by checking in with an occasional phone call or text. But knowing too that to be healthy as individuals they need their own interests and friends. Fresh and recharged individuals bring energy into their important relationships.   

8) They didn't yell at each other, or name-call. Basic stuff, for sure. But so damaging when it becomes an on-going ingredient of a relationship. 

9) They got into the habit of having quick check-ins about the relationship. The simple task of either partner asking from time to time a little question such as "how are we doing?" means the relationship stays on the agenda, and is less likely to be ignored. This can also short-circuit potential conflict, as issues can be raised sooner, while they are still small and manageable. Don't under-estimate the value of this "little but big" task. When it works well, it's a beauty. If you want to read more about this, feel free to take a look here.

10) Doing stuff between therapy sessions was important. They soon figured out that just talking on the couch in the therapy office was not going to be enough - they needed to really step up and actually start doing some of these things  at home. And maybe if they had had prior knowledge about these things, they would not have needed to go to therapy in the first place. 

There we have it - stuff that worked for couples and families in 2018. Likely to be just as useful for 2019. And maybe these things won't make any relationship perfect (if indeed, any relationship can ever be perfect). But they will certainly help.

Feel free to contact me if you are needing input for your family and/or couple. Who knows - if a lot of people start doing this stuff, I might have a lot of time on my hands......

Talk soon...