It's reassuring that a lot of people agreed with what I said last time about being single - in essence that single people are not the second class citizens that they often wind up feeling, that life can be just as rewarding by choosing to go solo. Looking back over what I'd written, I started to think also about risk-taking. Do people who are single take more risks - because they have more opportunity to do so? Or do they take less risks, and are therefore more likely to stay single? (Which is only a concern of course, if this is not their choice..)

It also got me thinking about ''forced risk,'' something that people here in Christchurch have been doing a lot of over the last 19 months. Through no fault of their own, they have needed to take on so many new challenges, and do so many things differently. Having to move house three times in ten months was more than enough for me - but pretty mild in the overall scheme of things, with regards to what some folks have had to endure.

Christchurch people have been pretty stoic, pretty staunch. We  probably like to think we have more resilience than others, that we would have risen above it all way better than people in other locations. That's nice to think, and maybe thinking like that actually helps us all to soldier on, though I think the reality is we are no more or no less staunch than any people in any other city in New Zealand, or anywhere else for that matter. (feel free to have a look here at some useful ideas for enhancing personal resilience levels). 

But back to the risk-taking... Although so many people have felt overwhelmed and powerless at times, I've still heard so many stories about people rising to challenges, doing so many different and scary things that they hadn't bargained on ever being involved with. And the amazing thing is they have survived it all and started to moved through it - in ways that they would have never previously thought themselves capable of. These people have often been stressed, which is probably to be expected. But they have also been quietly proud and surprised at how they have done. What does this now signal to them about their previously hidden and unknown potential?

The risk-taking experts (yes, of course they exist....) tell us there are so many benefits attached to taking risks. Earthquakes aside, there are a raft of reasons as to why we might need to take more risks.  

It's important to remember that -

• risk-taking is exhilarating. Those moments of risk tell us that we are well and truly alive. Therefore, 
  
• risk opens us up to new possibilities and new opportunities. Even if we don't succeed on that occasion, taking the risk starts to shine a light on what we are really capable of.
  
• risk pushes us to try things that we might never have thought possible and how we rise to face that risk can tell us so much about ourselves, even if the risk is not something we have pursued by choice, but instead have had thrown at us.
• stepping up to face risk tells us we are quietly powerful, and that we can do much more than ourselves or anyone else ever gave us credit for.
• risk-taking can be hugely beneficial to our levels of self-esteem and confidence. It invites others to view us differently, more positively.
• risk-taking is not about actually succeeding at the task associated with the risk. It's about taking the deep breath, hoping for a good outcome, and without being too Nike-ish, just doing it anyway.
• risk-taking makes us more appealing, more interesting and generally more attractive to those who know us - and to those who don't.

I was going to say a little bit more about what actually constitutes risk - but of course this is very individual and  only you can know what it is for you. And although we tend to consider risk to be about doing more of something, it might actually be about doing less, or even ceasing something completely. 

Anyway, remember that thing/person/activity/place/task/challenge/event you've been avoiding? The time is now (I was going to wish you good luck, but of course luck has got nothing to do with it).   

Talk soon - and I've certainly got plenty to be going on with for myself in the meantime.
 

What is so bad about being single? 


Someone was asking me this the other day- and she was asking with a degree of shame and embarrassment. Which in itself is a shame because, the reality is that there is nothing at all wrong with being single. Many single people are perfectly content, and their lives are rewarding just as they are. Yet there are others too, through no fault of their own, feel that that their state of singleness brands them as having failed. Where do damaging messages of this nature come from?

We are ''shaped up'' this way- we are nudged towards partnering from very early on in our lives. No, I'm not meaning that we are expected to partner up as two year olds. However we are surrounded by couple relationships from our first days of awareness, so that the need to pair up as adults soon becomes our map. And maybe there is some innate drive in us, embedded in our DNA, that compels us to to mate for life, so that the future of the species is a sure thing. So we feel compelled to be someone's partner. And women in particular, by virtue of their gender, and the way they have been socialised are more likely to feel they have failed, if they are not in a relationship. 

But we know, that despite this primitive programming, many of us are not in relationships, and perhaps never will be. And it seems so wrong, if single people feel inadequate or different because of the choices they have made, or because things may not have unfolded for them, in the way that we have all been led to believe they should.

Other relationships are equally important - yet it's the relationships with life partners which seem to take center stage, and the rest seem to pale in significance, and somehow we believe they are less important.  But what of our relationships with our friends, our kids, our parents, our workmates, our extended family? These can be just as important and just as rewarding, depending on how we choose to prioritise them. And, yes, there are also people whose primary relationship is with their work - they throw themselves into it, they live it and breathe it, in ways that others will never grasp, yet for all their efforts, they are likely to wind up being labelled as workaholics. People can be just as immersed in sports, or artistic pursuits.

Is it so bad for someone to develop high levels of knowledge and expertise in a particular field, knowing they can only give this their all, if they don't need to be bothered with the distractions of a partner? The reality is, that we need people like that- (I know this is an extreme example, but who wants to receive brain surgery from a neurosurgeon who doesn't keep up with developments in the field, and doesn't like his job very much....) and the personal rewards they receive, are probably similar to those experienced by people in satisfying relationships. 

Let's keep the whole relationship thing in perspective. If you have one that's good and works for you, great. Value it, work at it and it will be rewarding. But if you do not have a life partner, that's OK too, you are not inadequate, despite what you have been led to believe. Life is made of stuff other than couple relationships. There are important connections with other people, and other things. There are other relationships in life that can be equally rewarding. There are things that we can do, passions that we can follow which are not to be undervalued and which should not be considered as second class in comparison to a relationship.

Talk soon!

In times of wider stress in the community, relationships are so important. And I'm meaning all of those relationships that feature in our lives. They provide so many important resources that can help people's individual resilience.  

For today, I'm focusing in on couple relationships. A good relationship is literally our Port in the Storm. Yet here in Christchurch New Zealand, recent reports indicate we are doing some strange things in our couple relationships. For instance, we have the highest rates of infidelity in the country right now. Wow- at a time when  the city is in some sort of post-chaotic phase, and uncertainty about so many things is the only thing that is certain, people are making their lives even more fraught, and more unstable than they need to be, by having affairs. Go figure.... 

And if you are thinking about having a clandestine affair, but can't quite be bothered getting off the couch to find someone to be doing the sneaking around with, there has been a bunch of new websites coming on line, to help folks with the very purpose. And no, I won't be posting links to those sites here today. 

Call me old fashioned, but I believe that lives are much less chaotic, much more satisfying, if people actually work on the relationships that they are already in. Because if a relationship is developing problems, and one of the partners is (not) addressing this by having an affair, then sure as eggs, they may finish their current relationship, but there will be issues in their next relationship. So it makes sense to roll the sleeves up, take a deep breath and do the work to fix the current relationship. And yes, they do all require work- whether you have been together four days or forty years. 

I've mentioned here before, some of the things we need to stay focused on, to keep relationships healthy, alive, and rewarding. And I know too,  in reality that relationships in all their complexity, cannot always be turned around with a few simple bullet points in a blog posting. If your relationship is really in trouble, you owe it to yourself and your partner to do something about it. Contact me here, if you have any queries about how to kick that process off.

In the meantime however, there are some things that can and and will help your relationship- and even though relationships can be complex beasts, they are usually quite fixable- and what it takes to fix them is not rocket science. So keep in mind that what follows are just a few of the things that are important in healthy and rewarding relationships. You will have seen some of these before- I've written about them in earlier posts, plus theses and similar ideas are present in varying forms on a squillion other websites, and in thousand of books. Might just mean they are important!

• Relationships take time. It took time to build the relationship in the early days of the couple first meeting- yet it's puzzling that people will think that the longer a relationship progresses, the less time it needs. From day one- until the very end (for whatever reason that may be), it needs time, energy and input. People lose sight of the importance of the relationship, it slips further and further down the priority list, even though it is the foundation-stone for so many other parts of the couple's lives: if the relationship hadn't been there to begin with, the kids probably would have been born, there would be no mortgage, careers would be less significant, etc etc. So give it the time and centrality it deserves, if you value all those other things that sprang from it.
  
• Notice what goes well in the relationship and mention it. We need to do this with our kids, our parents, our workmates, etc. In fact we probably need to do this in all the relationships that we value. Human nature being what it is, we are generally quick to criticise, slower to compliment. There are two simple, yet important reasons for mentioning when your partner has done something well: (1) they are then likely to do more of it- and (2) when there is an increase in positive comments between the partners, it makes the relationship more resilient (that word again) to those periods of conflict. Which will happen because.....
• Conflict is inevitable in relationships. It's not a bad thing at all-  it demonstrates that the people involved in the conflict have differing views of the world, & this is evidence of them each being unique individuals, and it therefore adds to the relationship. However conflict becomes problematic when couples do not handle it well. Not handling it well includes things like allowing it to escalate into something big and vicious; using sarcasm; bringing up old issues that may have nothing to do with the current conflict; not being able to let things go; not being able to apologise; not being able to accept that you may actually be wrong. Remember too, that couples can have different tolerances for the expression of  conflict: some partners will be OK with the yelling, others feel overwhelmed if voices are raised. Neither is right or wrong, just different- the difference in styles is often connected with what was modeled for us in our families of origin. Therefore,
• Know what your key differences are and work out how you will deal with these. These might be around the Old Regulars such as religion and politics (though couples often become aligned in these areas over time), or other areas such as money, frequency of sex, how to parent kids etc. It's important to reach middle ground with these, so that neither partner feels their own views have been negated. It's really important too, to again reflect on where individual views have come from. For instance, do you wind up parenting this way, mainly because this is the approach your parents used with you....
• Work out how much time the relationship needs. It's really important that partners work out a balance around this. Clearly, avoiding any couple time at all is not going to work and will spell doom for the relationship. Similarly, relationships where the couple are living in each other's pockets 24/7 is probably not going be that healthy either... Whilst shared friendships and interests are important, so is maintaining a sense of self, by pursuing things that are just theirs alone- there are two important reasons for this. Firstly, it means they retain a sense of who they are as individuals, and secondly, they have something fresh that they can bring back and talk about with their partner....

Of course, there are going to be a whole bunch of other factors, but these are some that are especially important. 

If you are OK with lists and bullet points (yep, I'm still annoyed by them- yep, I know I've used them yet again....) take a look  at some ideas from Michele Weiner-Davis.  I've always enjoyed her straight-forward common sense approach and these relationship resolutions are excellent. 

And if you are a man who has just come out of a relationship- you need to look at this.

Talk soon!

Happy New Year.... I hope your year is off to a good start. Thanks for coming back here for another visit, and for keeping the readership numbers on this newsletter  humming along. The numbers continue to increase each month, and they have been quite high over the holiday period, which I guess is the time we are more likely to relax and read things. The holiday period too, is the time that family stress levels can increase, due to a whole range of factors.

Here in Christchurch New Zealand, stress levels for many people have increased for another reason over the holiday period, namely the return of some quite nasty earthquakes, just when we were all beginning to relax and  enjoy their apparent departure. The experts are now telling us that we can expect earthquakes to come and go for the next 3-4 years. (Bruce groans loudly.....). With the latest round of quakes, the true gems of humanity, (who no doubt have high levels of resilience- an important topic for today) have been out and about helping folks. I wrote about them once before.

An important task for us all during the year ahead will be to reflect on how we will handle our own stress levels, which are in turn likely to be influenced for many of us here, by the earthquake factor. So I'm talking today about resilience, not only in the face of earthquakes, but all the other stressful events that life on this planet can throw at us. Part of being a living breathing human being, is remembering that with life, comes stress. Not just human-relationship type stress, but from time to time, stress comes from disasters of epic proportions. I for one, had gotten in to a long-standing and misguided belief that hard things dished out by Mother Earth (eg., fires, floods and other disasters) really only happen in other countries, and not in our cosy little corner of the world. Boy oh boy- how naive.

Our individual ability to deal with such external stress factors are in turn  shaped by our own levels of resilience. Some of us are likely to be more resilient than others, because pure and simply, that's the way we have been built, (though there is of course much more to individual resilience than pure biology). However, there are always things we can do, that will enhance our resilience, which in turn will equip us better to deal with the stressful stuff of life, be that earthquakes or whatever else that life launches in our direction.

 Some things to think about which will enhance resilience levels include the following:

1. Remember that it is our thinking about the stressful stuff in life that is crucial. This is so important- it is not the even itself, but what we actually think about the event. (Useful hint: will we be overwhelmed by the event, or will we remind ourselves that we can cope, that we have coped with challenging things before, and have survived them).
2. In the face of hard situations, do we model calmness and confidence for others (and therefore ourselves) around us, or do they instead see us as being panicky and overwhelmed? 
3. If you are feeling overwhelmed yourself, do you feel better if you are in the company of negative and agitated people, or are you better in the company of calm people who are practical and level-headed?
4. As I've stated before, even if we cannot always genuinely feel calm or confident, pretending to feel this can actually be a very important first step. 
5. Will you be resilient, or will you be resistant? Knowing that crises and difficult times are usually associated with change, can we accept change, and know that it is part of life, or do we find any change difficult? (Useful hint: remember that you have negotiated your way through much change in your life already....)
6. If the stressful event is occurring over an extended period of time, can you focus on other things, so that the stressful event does not become the total center of your being? (Useful hint: making yourself do other things, especially pleasurable things, will be important, even if to start with, it all feels a bit forced and shallow).
7. Know who your supports are. We are naturally more resilient when we can talk with others about what we are experiencing. This helps us to make sense of situations, to process and move forward. (Useful hint: if you notice the people you are talking to are getting too immersed in the conversation, that their own outlook is quite bleak and negative and you are feeling worse as a result, then it's time to be selective about who you talk to).
8. Weigh up whether you are proactive or reactive in the way you conduct your life. Admittedly it's hard to take charge of some events that can seem really huge. But it's still always important to be thinking about those day to day situations and how to stay in the driver's seat of our own lives. With the smaller events of life,  are you in charge of your life and charting the direction you want to be moving in, or are you instead just using all your energy to survive whatever difficult stuff next comes along?

Get an understanding of your own resilience levels by doing this quick quizz over at the psychology.com site.

Talk soon,

Bruce

Well here, we are, it's that time of year again. For many folks here in Christchurch, the end of this year in particular can't come fast enough. It's truly been the Year From Hell, so it's nice to be looking forward to some relaxing days ahead during the holiday season. As always though, there are ways in which we can make the holiday season less stressful,  more enjoyable and rewarding:

1. Refuse to buy the kids on your gift list anything plastic that was made in China. The gift will be broken before you even make it to the Christmas pudding. Although chances are, that the small person involved won't even notice, because they will have received a dozen other items of this calibre, and they probably won't remember that it was you that gave it to them. 
   
2. Remember too that the malls see Christmas as a huge marketing gig. Sales once upon a time use to start on Boxing Day- now they start before Christmas. Don't get caught up in mall hype. Don't go into any store that is playing Snoopy's Christmas.
3. We know that family en masse means that conflict is highly likely to be on the cards during some stage of the day's proceedings. Expect it. All families have conflict, and it's more likely to happen at Christmas for a whole variety of reasons. You can only control your own role in any family conflict.
4. You can't control what others may do or say, but you can monitor you own behaviour, so that you can feel OK with how you have conducted yourself. Leaving the host's house reasonably sober is also worth striving for, if you haven't managed that for a few years now.
5. Don't over-commit yourself by agreeing to visit five different sets of relatives on the day. Yes, this does happen....
6. If having extended family to your place, or visiting them, is too much to even contemplate, think about ways in which you can start to create your own rituals and traditions, which is the stuff that Christmas is made of. Then stay at home and do just that.
7. If you do wind up with the Whole Fam Damily at your place, make sure everyone has some sort of job to do. If you feel an obligation to do the whole lot (you martyr, you....), chances are you are going to wind up resenting everyone by the time the Christmas pudding arrives. People will feel more useful  & involved if they are doing something and you will be less stressed.
8. Remember that goats are now officially out as Christmas gifts. No one is giving them anymore. That idea never really took off. Send it back now, even if you got a really good deal....
9. Keep the technology at bay for the day, even if it means there's no Angry Birds, and you don't get to hear the Queen's message (it'll be just the same as the one she gave in 1985...).
10. Chances are that this Christmas is going to look fairly much like the one you had last year, and the year before that. What can you do to make it stand out, so that in ten years time, you are still saying to anyone who will listen "remember  that Christmas back in 2011, when I....."

If you want some additional ideas about managing conflict, especially in family relationships, have a look at these useful pointers...

A big thanks to  the increasing numbers of  people who have visited these pages throughout the year. Have a great Christmas.


Christmas Quote: Getting ready for Christmas is just like being at the office. You do all the hard work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Brothers and sisters- 80% of us have got them, and they can be  a blessing or they can be the curse of our lives. Chances are they will be either of these things from time to time. Mostly though we want our sibling relationships to go OK. Unless you're a Kardashian and you've really figured out how to turn mediocre family relationships into a multi-million dollar industry. 

The sibling relationship is often the longest one in our lives, longer than that between spouses, longer than that between parents and children. Yet of all the family relationships, there is less written about this one in comparison to all the others.  The couple relationship is the clear winner in the media attention department, closely followed in second place by the parent/child relationship. The less glamorous sibling relationship is well down the list in the publicity department.  

Childhood sibling relationships are filled with all sorts of contrasts- competition and collaboration, love and hate, envy and admiration. Most of these extremes will dissipate somewhat as childhood and adolescence progresses and eventually passes - but conflicted sibs can get stuck in childhood patterns for life, with something like 30% of adult siblings reporting conflicted or distant relationships at later life-stages. Yet its really important for most of us to think about who our supports are in life, who understands us better. And because of our shared childhood experiences and how these ultimately shape us, a sibling is often likely to understand us better than anyone and can therefore be a real resource for us. 

Difficult adult sibling relationships have often had their origins in childhood- yet the conflict can continue to last for decades, with either party no longer being able to describe what kicked it all off... 

Before I go on- a quick word again about conflict....As I've said several times before on these pages, conflict is OK, it is part of being human, and there is likely to be conflict in the sibling relationship, as there is in all our relationships. However conflict becomes damaging when it is unacknowledged by either or all the parties involved, and when there is no motivation to address it or resolve it. It becomes entrenched and damaging. 

So what exactly can be done to get adult sibling relationships back on track??

1) Look at the role you might play in keeping conflict with your sibling/s going- it takes at least two to keep conflict alive.

2) Remember that you are each unique individuals, even though you might have been raised in the same house and by the same parents. Never the less you will each have your own view of the world, and that is as it should be. Don't be affronted when your sibling sees things differently to you.

3) On the other hand, no-one else but your siblings are likely to come close to understanding those early influences in your life that have shaped you in to the person you are today. Value the shared history that only siblings can understand.

4) Be wary of not relating to your adult sibling as though they are still a child.  Patterns of relating to each other as adults are frequently set down in childhood, and can persist right through adulthood, eg., the youngest child who, through no fault of their own, has always been perceived by older sibs to have been spoiled by parents, and is still resented for this during adulthood.

5) If you are stuck in a sibling conflict that has gone on for years (do you even remember what started it all? ), take the first step towards fixing it - someone needs to, and it might as well be you.  Be the big person.

6) For  sibling conflicts that might develop in the present day, address them quickly, so that they don't become stuck and magnified.

7) Don't expect your siblings to initiate all the contact with you. The relationship is just as much your responsibility.

8) Put time in to your relationships with siblings- all relationships take time and effort, yet it's easy to to see the adult sibling relationship as less of a priority than those relationships that are more central in our lives.

Enjoy your sibs, get the relationship sorted. You may be stuck with each other for much longer than you had imagined. 

Thanks again for dropping by... If you want to read some earlier stuff I've written about sibling relationships, jump right over here....

Wise words on the left from the Dalai Lama, via my friend Sandy (whose FB page I stole this from- thanks Sandy, that's what you get for being inspirational). 

The words from the DL resonated with me, as living in the present is something I've been thinking quite a bit about lately, and trying to do more of. He's saying something really important here. I guess he's quite lucky too. Because if he does not quite manage to live in the present at all times (though I'm sure he does a much better job at it than most of us), as a Buddhist, he's going to have plenty of incarnations in the future, where he can come back in his next lives and have another shot at it, until he eventually gets it right. 

The rest of us (ie., non Buddhists) will need to focus on living in the present in our current  lives. And living in our current lives is so important. Another wise person (I've forgotten who, but I don't think it was the Dalai Lama- although a Buddhist would think this anyway) said that the majority of us live our lives like we have got another one in the bank.

What does it really mean, to be living continually in the past, or always waiting for the future? It means we are going to be frequently disappointed. And at the risk of being overly dramatic, we are not really fully alive, if we are continually living in another time and place. The past can never be recreated, and in any case, the past is always a mix of good and not so good stuff, so why would you really want to  be back there? 

The best thing about the past is what we have taken from it, what we have learned about ourselves, so that we can live more fully in (yes, you guessed it) the present.  And conversely, to continually live in the future means we are simply missing on out on so much of the good stuff that is in our lives right here, right now. Read what the wise man at the top of the page has said about the hazzards of living only for the future- he is much more eloquent in these matters than I can ever hope to be...

Some recent research from the psychology department at Harvard University has discovered that we tend to float away from being in the present around 46% of the time. And (here's the important bit) even if we are day-dreaming about being somewhere wonderful, or doing something really fun and fantastic, we are actually less happy on those occasions. Wow.

So what do we need to do,  to live in the present? I can't claim to be an expert about this, but in my line of work, I've picked up some really useful tips along the way....

1) Savor the moment. Be aware of what you are doing, right here, right now. Whatever it is you are doing, think about just that. Immerse yourself in it.  To really focus in on this, describe your surroundings to yourself, state what you are actually doing, saying this out loud. (Yes, if you are not alone at the time, there is a risk you'll be considered deranged...)

2) Enjoy your body. An important ingredient for living in the present is to be satisfied with ourselves, including our bodies. Regardless of how you judge it, regardless of whether or not it's the shape or size of the one you had really hoped for. Sure, maybe it could have been fatter/thinner/shorter/taller/darker/lighter. But it works, and most of the time it does what you need it to do. Don't judge it,  just enjoy it, thank it. It's hung in there with you this far. Marvel at what it can do, rather than what it can't. It's the vehicle that's getting you through this life- nothing else can do this for you.    When you are looking at your body, admiring it, and valuing the genuine work of genius that it is, remind yourself too, that your body is actually living in the present at all times. It is only our minds that are drawing us to a future that hasn't happened yet, or to a past that has gone, and therefore cannot be changed. 

3) "This is me doing this." We are faced with having to do all sorts  of mundane things we don't want to do. Doing the dishes. Washing the car. Vacuuming. Mowing the lawn. Boring, boring, boring. Doing these things mean we are likely to easily get distracted and have our minds wander off somewhere else. And of course that is a good thing to do sometimes. But if we can stay focused on these tasks, immerse ourselves in them, they can actually become quite calming & meditative. One way to help this happen is to kick the task of with the statement ''this is me doing this...." And again, the statement will have more impact if you say it out loud- say it several times while you are doing the task. 

4) Rely less on the technology.   Let's face it, the technology has got us all. More and more of us  are pretty much addicted now to the fancy gadgets. The computers, the i-thingies, etc etc. The Harvard research that I mentioned above also discovered that as much as we love these (and yes, I'm putting my hand up here) things, we are actually less happy when we are using them.  It makes sense, because we are clearly not in the here and now when those things have our attention- their job after all, is to transport us somewhere else. Yet our lives are more satisfying, we are more content, when we live in the moment.


Yikes- reading what I've written here today, it's all getting a bit "New Age-y around here!" Never the less, these are useful and important things to think about. Good luck!



"If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been,you will ignore what is..." (Unknown)

We can spend so much time in our waking hours hoping that other people think well of us. Or worry even more about others not liking or approving of us. Somehow or other, most of us get caught up to varying degrees in the need to be approved of by others. I guess it's understandable in some way, why we might want to have those we are close to think well of us. But this often extends out- way way out, where the opinion of a complete stranger, someone we may never see again, also matters. What would your life be like, if you decided once and for all, that other's opinions of you really do not matter? That what other people think of you really is none of your business? Their thoughts are theirs- not yours.

You can really wind up with a major head-ache, if you spend too much time worrying about what other people think of you. Because the reality is that only some people will approve of us, or like us at any one time. And even the people doing the liking, are likely to change on a day by day basis, for reasons that are completely unknown to you- and  are probably unknown to them too, if the truth be known.

Everyone sees the world through slightly different lenses- and that is OK. It's as it should be. We are all unique with our own views and opinions. But this means that everyone else is going to see us in a slightly different way also. This of course means that at any one time, there will be a whole raft of opinions floating around us (mostly silent, we hope). Some  of these will see us as being the greatest human being to walk on the planet, whilst other opinions may even deem us to be a complete and utter waste of space. And most of the other people's opinions will be somewhere in between. 

We can't please everybody- because everyone everyone everyone will expect something slightly different of us. If you think about it, you can probably pick out those people who get caught up in trying to continually please everyone else, so easily worried about what  everyone else will think well of them. They usually agree with everyone else's contrasting opinions. They avoid all forms of conflict (because we all know that conflict is such a terrible terrible thing.......), and they have no real ideas, as they value the  opinions of others more highly than they value their own.

So it makes a lot of sense to allow ourselves to not be too influenced by what others think of us. Because everyone will have a slightly different view of us. So that in itself makes it impossible to have everyone like us. In the end the opinion that matters the most, the person whose ideas are the most useful to you, and whose approval you need more than anyone else on the planet, can be found lurking in your bathroom. Beaming out at you from that glass reflective thingy above the hand-basin. Wipe the steam off the glass, look them in the eye and tell them what a champ they are....

Jump right over here to read three important points for being true to yourself