HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE

Hard to believe that I haven't written anything here since Easter, when in New Zealand, we were all in the thick of our COVID lockdown.  I've been crazy busy since then - a lame excuse I know, because let's face it, everyone is busy, and many people have been extra stressed since COVID hit town. 

Since our lockdown finished back in late May, I've been working with a lot of families and couples, where relationships have become stressful, or are simply no  longer working for those involved. But the great thing with these folks is that they  at least wanted to do something about it, hence why they sought some help.  I'm always a bit stunned when I remind myself of  one of John Gottman's  research findings, that showed  many people with relationship issues will often  do nothing about this whatsoever for 6 years on average, and will just continue to tough it out instead, while things decline further. This is so unnecessary.

One of the things that is obvious in therapy are the patterns that are often present in conflicts, and this is especially so for couples.  I'm always intrigued with the directions in which  conflicts can head - how they can blow up, get out of control, and leave people feeling wounded and distressed.  And on top of  all that, the actual issue that was the focus of it all in the first place, that was important enough that it needed to be raised, is then swamped and is lost, because  once again, the conflict has become bigger than the issue. And many couples will do this time and time again - knowing all the while, from previous episodes, that it does not work, that it's distressing, and even hurtful. 

 Human nature being what it is - when someone feels hurt, (because there has been yelling, or name calling, for instance), then they will want to then hurt back. It's a weird old human way of how we try and defend oursleves. And so it goes. Hurt people hurt people, and both wind up feeling distressed and  emotionally distant from each other. 

So rather than get reduced yet again, to insulting each other, or being loud and demanding, when a conflict has arrived, what would happen instead, if one of the parties involved, stepped outside of the pattern, before the Bad Verbals had really kicked in,  and  (respectfully) said "wait a minute - are we doing that thing again?"

Maybe this is a simplistic way of looking at conflict - and I know this does not necessarily resolve any underlying issues. But it does break an unhelpful pattern where people could otherwise wind up hurting each other.  This in turn can then pave the way for looking at the issue differently,  taking some of the heat out, and  really hearing each other's perspectives. 

Talk soon.

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