Four damaging things to avoid in your relationship.

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I've mentioned here before that I have a dislike for bullet points. Maybe they have their place in a Power Point presentation at a conference, but if we are writing about relationships, life is too complex to be reduced to  snappy three word statements, which are designed just to hook us in. I'm also meaning the numbered lists, that are everywhere on the net, and that invite us to think everything is so easily achieved if we just do what is on the list: ("follow these 10 simple steps to attain the weight you want"). 


The internet is becoming more and more The Land of ADD. Sane and sensible people who can hold a face to face conversation seemingly can't stay focused on one thing for more than a few minutes, once they jump on the net.  And writers therefore need to have succinct and catchy ways of hauling us in. If we don't see something that grabs our eyes within the first few lines of a webpage we are reading, we are straight back to Google. Even at this point of an article, something like 30% of readers who started out at the top of this page will have left already. Plus it's pretty common for only a small number of readers to actually make it to the bottom of a page they have started. (there's certainly a lesson for me in this - articles on these pages can be a tad long sometimes). So I'll get to the point. And I will use bullet points, in the hope that you might stick around for the whole page.

The point that I was making (before I got distracted with an apparent attack of ADD...) is that there are some important factors that people should stay aware of, if they want their relationships to go well. These come from John Gottman - who is THE guy when it comes to defining what works in couple relationships. But when you look at these, you'll see that they also have relevance for other family relationships, or maybe any close relationship....Enough. I'll get onto these  straight away - I see your concentration is wavering......

• Major differences of opinion will not necessarily wreck a relationship, even if the parties involved can't resolve the differences. Couples can have some fairly significant differences around particular issues and can invest a lot of time and energy into trying to convince the other person to see things their way. Those couples that can move beyond that, and who can accept the differences that exist between them will have a better relationship.
• Contempt. Nothing is going to be more damaging to a relationship - any relationship for that matter - than contempt. Things like eye-rolling, sneering, name-calling and belligerence are examples of this. Not OK. They demonstrate a complete lack of respect.
• Defensiveness. The most common form of this is apportioning all the blame to the other person, implying that you had nothing to do with the issue. We all need to own our share....
• Harsh start-ups. I guess this is my personal favorite - meaning that all of us need to be aware of how we raise issues or concerns with the other people in our lives, if it's likely the other person might have trouble agreeing with what we are saying. I notice that I point this one in particular out to the majority of the couples I work with. Of course we are going to have issues, and even conflict, with the people we are in relationships with. But how we put this to them is crucial. If I confront someone in a loud or angry way or blaming way, or if I use contempt or sarcasm, I'm not going to be getting any useful discussion coming back. Chances are I'll even be verbally attacked in return, because they will feel defensive (see above!). And of course the issue will not be addressed, let alone resolved: watch your delivery.  Otherwise chances are that a major argument will follow.

Gottman has written far and wide about what is damaging in relationships, and more importantly, what makes successful relationships  work. Above are just four factors to consider. If you want to receive the latest ideas about ways to improve your relationship, join up with the Gottman Blog right here. It's sensible stuff and very readable.

Another important discovery Gottman made was that couples will sit with major issues in their relationship for up to seven years before they seek any outside help. This is unwise and so un-necessary, as most issues in relationships CAN be resolved. If you want some help with your relationship, feel free to contact me here.  And well done if you made it to the bottom of the page - you truly are an internet rarity!

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