NEWS FROM THE THERAPY ROOM. Tips and strategies that you can use in your own relationships. |
Call them what we will - arguments, fights, disagreements, conflicts. They happen in most families, they happen for most couples. No-one likes them very much, yet we all seem to do it. I know I'm often banging on about conflict in relationships, I've written about it here quite a few times over the years. And I do want to mention it again, but this time from a slightly different perspective. I'm not talking today about stopping the conflict or the argument - though if you can do that, or at least do it better, that's excellent, (you can now go and have a coffee, because you don't need to read beyond this point). What I was thinking about instead was how to look out for the pattern the argument usually follows. In other words, not necessarily trying to STOP the argument, but instead observing HOW the argument unfolds. To be your own fly on the wall - so that you can eventually begin to understand your own pattern, and as a result of this, eventually take charge of it and 'do' conflict better. Because observing how we behave in a certain situation actually gives us some personal power over that behaviour. Most family members and most couples tend to do at least two things when it comes to arguing. One is that they will argue (especially couples) over relatively minor things. Couples tell me this time and again: "when it comes to the big things, we don't have a problem." The second thing, is that there is usually a pattern to those arguments - regardless of what the current conflict is about, there's a big chance that each person will slot into the same old dance. A typical pattern of conflict can look something like this: the first person raises something and maybe there is a tone of frustration already present. The second person senses the irritation, does not respond well, and emotionally (or physically) turns away. The first person feels more irritated (or ignored) and becomes louder/more irritated. The second person retreats further or switches off. The first person may then also close down. As a result, they can both wind up feeling hurt, or not understood, or rejected. Regardless of what the pattern looks like, it's pretty common to start drawing on some of these very common (and unhelpful) behaviours: 1) becoming loud or angry, or overly emotional, 2) closing down, while emotionally and/or physically turning away; 3) not listening to the other's point of view, (because you feel yours is the only one that really matters right now); 4) using name-calling or yelling or sarcasm; 5) using absolute terms like "You never...." or "You always....." and 6) bringing up old issues that have nothing to do with this issue. So an important first step in 'doing' conflict better, is being able to step outside of it, and to actually observe how you do this, as it's inevitably a dance that you both play a part in. Once you see that there is a pattern (how does it start off, who does/says what, does it escalate, then what, how is the issue resolved, etc), a natural next step is to acknowledge is that it doesn't work, and decide what you are going to do differently. And it's great when both parties can see all this, and will then want to address it together. But remember too, that you can't change the other person (only they can do that), but you can certainly change your part in at all.... As you can see in John Gottman's pic below, managing conflict is an important step in building a Sound Relationship House. And identifying conflict patterns is vital if conflict is to be then managed well. Feel free to contact me if you need any help in better managing the conflict in your relationship. Talk soon... HAPPY NEW YEAR - I hope 2019 has kicked off to a good start for you.
I'm lucky enough to still be on leave and I will be for another few days, though I've already been contacted by new clients who want to begin to address their issues before the year starts to get crazy again. At this time of the year, I tend to do some reflecting on what seemed to work well for my clients during the year prior. Thinking about this helps me refine what I have to offer, knowing that most couples (and families) are usually pretty keen to come in, do what they need to do to get things back on track without therapy becoming this drawn-out and expensive process. So, again I got to thinking about what did work in therapy last year, and what would it mean if people started doing some of this stuff, without even coming to see me? Would their relationships improve? Would my couch become a big vacant space, and would I even be out of a job? Either way, it seems important to share this stuff. So in essence, people who focused on at least some of these things, and continued doing them no matter what, noticed that their relationships began to improve. 1) They came to an understanding that their couple relationship was the foundation to so many other parts of their lives. Or another way of looking at this, is that if they had not got together as a couple, they likely may not have become parents/got a house/got the careers they have, etc. There is likely so much stuff that has come out of getting together in that couple relationship back in the day - and therefore it remains the foundation to so much of their lives now, so they understood clearly why it needed to be nurtured and looked after, and to be seen as a priority. When the couple relationship works well, so do so many other parts of their lives. So those couples who were super busy with kids/careers etc knew that they had to put their own relationship back at the top of the list. Better for them, better for their kids too. 2) They noticed what was working, and kept doing it. Most couples and families approach therapy with very clear ideas on what is going wrong, and what they want to 'fix.' This is understandable, but at some point of the therapy process, it's important to draw their attention back, to what does work. Experience tells me there is always something that works (even if partners have lost sight of this), otherwise they would not stay together. 3) They noticed how they raised their gripes and concerns with each other. Rather than going in on the attack, and therefore getting an angry or defensive response right back, they began to understand that their issues were more likely to be heard and responded to, if they raised them in a rational and respectful way. 4) They knew that it was important to be able to somehow communicate to their partner, that here was someone who 'got' them, who was on their team, and that there was at least one person on the planet who was really there for them. Being able to demonstrate this in an on-going way can cut through a whole lot of potential conflict, as on-going conflict in a relationship can often be a (flawed) way of checking out "do I matter to you?" 5) Where are we going, what are we doing? Many couples and families noticed they were more settled and stable when there were shared goals in place, and they were moving forward with at least one particular focus in mind. This might have been about achieving a long-standing shared dream, or something simple, such as finally completing a project together. 6) They didn't shame or belittle each other. They knew that shaming the other person (such as criticising something that they might have done, but not done well, or ridiculing them in front of friends or family) only creates distance and resentment over time. 7) They knew to stay connected, yet to also have their own lives and interests. ConfIicting I know - yet it makes sense. In practice, it might translate to a couple making sure they stay connected during the day, by checking in with an occasional phone call or text. But knowing too that to be healthy as individuals they need their own interests and friends. Fresh and recharged individuals bring energy into their important relationships. 8) They didn't yell at each other, or name-call. Basic stuff, for sure. But so damaging when it becomes an on-going ingredient of a relationship. 9) They got into the habit of having quick check-ins about the relationship. The simple task of either partner asking from time to time a little question such as "how are we doing?" means the relationship stays on the agenda, and is less likely to be ignored. This can also short-circuit potential conflict, as issues can be raised sooner, while they are still small and manageable. Don't under-estimate the value of this "little but big" task. When it works well, it's a beauty. If you want to read more about this, feel free to take a look here. 10) Doing stuff between therapy sessions was important. They soon figured out that just talking on the couch in the therapy office was not going to be enough - they needed to really step up and actually start doing some of these things at home. And maybe if they had had prior knowledge about these things, they would not have needed to go to therapy in the first place. There we have it - stuff that worked for couples and families in 2018. Likely to be just as useful for 2019. And maybe these things won't make any relationship perfect (if indeed, any relationship can ever be perfect). But they will certainly help. Feel free to contact me if you are needing input for your family and/or couple. Who knows - if a lot of people start doing this stuff, I might have a lot of time on my hands...... Talk soon... We seem to hear so much about resilience these days - so we know that it must be important. Mostly when we read about it, the writer will be explaining as to why we as individuals need to be sure we have a fair measure of it in our lives. And that it is necessary because it will keep us more resistant to things like anxiety or depression, we will be less bruised by the challenges that life throws us, and we will generally be healthier overall. And that is all so important. What we tend to read less about though, is why we might also need to make our relationships resilient (I know - it's one more thing to have to do, isn't it? Make yourself resilient. Tick. Now make your relationship resilient also - yikes, when will this all end!). But seriously, there are good reasons for us to build stronger and more resilient relationships. An obvious one is that for those people involved in a resilient relationship (and although I'm talking primarily about couple relationships, the ideas here have relevance for all types of close relationships) there is a sense that they are closer, more connected, they 'get' each other, and are more likely to have each other's backs. The resilient relationship becomes a safe haven from the bumpiness of the world, because you know that at least one person on the planet is really there for you. Another reason - and perhaps this is the Big One, is that resilient relationships are less likely to be damaged by conflict. And conflict will happen. If a couple know how to make themselves stronger, they are less likely to be be blown over in the storm - they are strong and solid, and this heated moment will maybe test them somewhat, but they WILL come back from it, because they have a solid foundation. Naturally there are some ways in which we can make our relationships stronger and more resilient. But remember too, these are things to not try just once, but to keep doing, and know too, that occasionally you will slip, and go back to your old 'default' ways. Top of my list is a point that I've been banging on about for years now, to anyone who will listen. 1) Notice what is going well in the relationship, (and even in tough times, there will still be stuff that is going well) and mention it out loud to the other person. Sounds so simple, and it works. 2) Voice your potential issues in a way that the other person can openly and receptively hear them. If you raise an issue in a hostile or complaining way, know full-well what you will then get back: a negative and resistant response, sure as eggs. What can then also happen is that the issue you raised (which was important to you at the time), is soon lost, while you both instead get back into your old "going nowhere" conflict dance once again. 3) Think about being in the heat of a conflict, and weighing up in that moment, what is more important: winning this argument right now, (and therefore feeling a bit smug for a few minutes), or instead looking at the bigger picture of the stability of an on-going and secure relationship, and therefore deciding you do not need to win every time. 4) Notice what keeps the two of you connected and make sure you keep that stuff happening. This can be things like shared interests. But one real point of connection that I see for many of the couples I work with is a shared sense of humour. 5) Remember too, that like anything that is worthwhile in life, we have to put in some work. I know that some people believe that good relationships just flow positively, of their own free will, because the people involved are such a good fit, and that no actual effort is required. OK. Good luck to those people, I guess! My understanding is that relationships always run better, when we work at them. The great thing that comes from building a more resilient relationship is that the people within those relationships also increase their own personal levels of individual resilience. And that can only be good for them. Talk soon. In the busy-ness of lives, it can be pretty easy for people in close relationships to assume that things are going OK between them. And I'm talking here not just about couples, but all close family relationships. So that got me thinking about how we are increasingly asked 'How Are We Doing' type questions from those businesses and retailers and that want to serve us better. Yet the question can be just as important to ask ourselves at home as well, though with a slightly different and more personal focus. We can easily think that because there are no obvious issues, that "we are doing OK." And you probably are. But sometimes too, there might be a sense that your partner (or teenager) is a little distant, they seem to be a little cool towards you. So in the absence of information from them, and no real plan for dealing with these occasions, we can then wind up thinking "this must be something I've done". Sure, sometimes it will be something you have done, but often it isn't. So we can be left second guessing, thinking the worst, unless we have some kind of plan for checking these situations out, and also focusing in on how the relationship is overall. So one thing I've been encouraging lately, with the couples and families I work with, is to have a go at trialling the " micro check-in." As the name suggests, this does not need to be a big "sit down/let's get serious/what's happening with us right now" kind of deal - though those deeper conversations do have their place also. Instead, this is just a quick focusing in on the relationship, and ensuring that this happens regularly, so that each person knows that it is important enough that it stays on their shared agendas. Getting into brief and regular relationship check-ins works in two important ways - firstly it keeps the relationship on the radar, and decreases the chances of it declining due to lack of attention. Secondly it can make the relationship more resilient, and less vulnerable to big blow-ups, because it is getting looked in on regularly, rather than waiting for a big conflict to come along and then have that unfold poorly, due to the fact that the two players involved have been somewhat distant from each other lately. Questions like How Are We Doing then pave the way for follow-up conversations like. "I'm feeling like we are pretty good right now - what about you?" Or "I was really distracted after this incident at work - sorry if I seemed distant. Are we OK now?" A quick conversation like this can help both to re-connect. The flip-side is important too - you might be a bit ticked off with the other person right now, but because the relationship is now getting more regular attention, there will be scope to raise things, rather than letting stuff sit and get bigger, and not knowing what to do with it. A good time for the micro-check in is at the end of the day, when people get back together at home, and are leaning in towards spending the evening together. A micro check-in will set the evening up better - and this is especially important for parents of families for whom this can be a pressured time of the day, when there's a lot of stuff to get done. One thing the micro check-in is not, is a substitute for the more substantial conversations that also need to happen, which go deeper, and attend to the underlying factors which affect connectedness - but these deeper conversations become easier to access if the check ins are happening frequently, because they provide a way in. So when it needs to, the micro check-in becomes an occasional portal to the deeper stuff: "that sounds like it's important - can we come back to that later on when the kids are in bed?" It makes sense if micro check-ins can happen fairly regularly - like all behaviours they work better for us when we can make them part of our regular routines. It's good too, if this is a shared responsibility - that it's not just one person's job to ask the question. Good luck with this - give it a whirl, see what comes of it. I'm away for the next few weeks - but happy to work with you again on couple or family issues from June 18th. Talk soon.... |
"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."
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