I know- I am probably letting the team down here...But you blokes coming out of marriages (and yes women will sometimes do this too, but not as often....), you really do need to slow down, smell the coffee, maybe even drink some of it, before you get into your next relationship....If you have got kids, they need you right now, more than ever before, while they adjust to some huge changes going on in their lives....So don't distract yoursellf right now with a new and shiny relationship- there will be plenty of time for that further down the track. There is other stuff right now, that needs your attention.
There are probably a whole lot of reasons why this happens (ie., why men will re-partner much more quickly than women), but men are not really doing themselves any real favours, and are mainly just distracting themselves from any grief or distress they may be feeling. Even if the marriage/relationship needed to finish, and both 'get' this, or if the man himself has initiated the separation, he will still likely feel sadness. That is OK, that is normal, it is expected- humans will have strong emotional responses to all the big events in their lives, and this, believe it or not, can be an important time of growth. It is not helpful if he tries to distract himself, or derail the emotional response completely, by immersing himself in another relationship right away. If he can't spend some time alone and unpartnered in the world, how will he have the capacity to reflect on what he did to contribute to the decline of his relationship?... And yes I know, you can call me idealistic right about now- there are guys (and women) who do not give a crap about looking at themselves in this way- and that is fine. But then troubles arise in their next relationship also, once the sparkle begins to settle, and so it goes...
On a slightly differnt note, I heard today that divorced/single women in this country currently outnumber men by a ratio of 2:1. Perhaps that's another reason why recently separated guys are never that way for long. They get snapped up and hey, they aren't complaining. Plus they may recognise they do need someone to talk to, and they are more likely to talk to a woman about feelings-related stuff, whereas a newly single woman is more likely to talk with other women..And so much of this too, is influenced by the way men and women are socialised differently from
yay- high... But numbers-wise, things are certainly weighted against women who wish to re-partner...Hang in there anyway ladies- keep your standards high- and don't settle for less!
Wouldn't you know it- as soon as I had finished self-diagnosing my Blogger Inferiority Complex (in the panel below), I found a link I now want to include. It's a good one about marriages making people sick- even though some of this stuff should not be taken too seriously, and may not even be such a new idea, there are still some words of wisdom. And I'm sure other types of relationships will fit here, alongside/instead of the ''m'' word. Have a look...
I've been doing some research into blogging lately, just to be sure that in my initial foray into the Blogosphere, that I was doing it right... That if I get to the door of this potentially exclusive club (ie. the Secret Society of the Cool Blogger) that I don't get thrown out by a 200kg bouncer, before I even make it to the bar. As part of my investigative quest to attempt to come to grips with blogging, I read somewhere in the last couple of days that apparently 99.7% of blogs go unnoticed. Well, it's nice to be part of the majority for a change, is what I'd like to say to that...I'm not necessarily wanting to be part of the 0.3% group of bloggers who really shake the universe. Instead, I'm just wanting to rant from time to time about what works in therapy, plus other stuff that people may find useful, as far as their lives and relationships are concerned.
Apparently too, there is a whole other world of Blogger Etiquette that I have known nothing about..For instance, it is usually a given that I should be putting a lot of links to other blogs over here, in that column on the right. I wondered what all that blank space was for- so now I've just stuck another pic of me there.. A space filler, until I figure out how to find all these links that I'm going to be putting there...Bloggers apparently look out for each other, by including each others links in their blogs.. There are probably even annual Blogger Conferences, that I currently do not even know about, where they talk about all this stuff into the small hours. Scary. It seems I'm supposed to put a Twitter badge there too. The web-site people even gave me one, ready to pop in over there (also supposed to go on the right), expecting that I want to be followed on Twitter. The reality is I don't tweet or twit, or whatever it is, and I don't want to be followed anywhere....though I will try and check out the link thing some more. Bye...
Brrrrrr. Winter has arrived with a flourish in this neck of the woods..But with such a long & warm lead-up, hopefully it will be a short one. If you are like me, it can be harder to stay happy and on top of things in the winter, when the days are short and it's grey and cold outside. Yet being happy/cheerful/positve/optimistic (or whatever we want to call it) can be such an important thing to try and do. Whilst the field of Positive Psychology may make some seemingly wacky assertions at times, they also say some things that make a lot of sense. A key position they take, is that if we are happier, many parts of our lives will run more smoothly. Basic but true...Our relationships with the people in our lives will be more rewarding. People will do better at work- not only are they nicer to be around, but the happier person is more likely to get the pay-rise, more likely to get the promotion, has less chance of experiencing burnout. There are also likely to be better outcomes for our health- we are less vulnerable to disease if we are happy, and happier people are likely to live longer.
We probably don't need (or want) to turn into continually smiling fools, to receive the benefits. But being more optimistic, being more attuned to what is actually going right in our lives can be important steps towards inner contentment & increased positivity. And whilst we need to be genuine and true to ourselves, the PP people also talk about the usefulness of faking happiness, in the absence of the real thing. For instance forcing ourselves to smile actually starts endorphins moving- and if it feels forced, but we still keep it up, we actually do start to feel more genuinely positive anyway...Interesting- might be worth experimenting with.
"Some occasional thoughts about families, relationships, and other things that distract us...."